Ten things I know…

1.) If you accidentally ask a man with a hook if he “needs a hand”. Well intentioned or not, you will still feel badly about this ten years later.

2.) If you are sad, a really spectacular pair of striped socks can make you feel MUCH better.

3.) If you accidentally hit your acting teacher in the head with a snowball because your aim is soooo terrible – you will ALSO feel badly about that ten years later.

4.) There is a surprising sense of accomplishment in being able to make well-received fried chicken.

5.) Unicorns don’t actually exist but it would be REALLY COOL if they did.

6.) There is a speed limit on Lake Shore Drive.

7.) Only in the Midwest do you draw a bizarre look if you ask the waitron for fat-free salad dressing.

8.) Sometimes your life is beautiful enough that it’s proof that God exists, and simultaneously hard enough that it’s proof God hates you.

9.) Few things are as satisfying as a really good rocking chair.

10.) Your 30s really truly are better than your 20s.

Monday is coming. It's time for some JOY!

Cute! and Fluffy! Feel that joy!!!!!!

You're not buying it are you? I'm pretty much oozing evil at this point. I'm sure you can tell - but I want YOU to be happy and full of light. Why? Because I CARE. yep. About you!

All together now...

"I've got the JOY, joy, joy, joy

Down in my heart (Where?)

DOWN IN my heart (Where?)

DOWN IN my heart

I've got the JOY, joy, joy, joy

DOWN IN my heart (Where?)

DOWN IN my heart to STAY"

Hope that's not too catchy and all stuck in your head.

Have a great week!

Photo Courtesy of some other website I forgot to write down.

Ten words from times past I wish we still used regularly...

1.) Forsooth

2.) Simonize

3.) Paddy Wagon

4.) Blotto

5.) Gal Friday

6.) Ye

7.) Stockings

8.) Bayonet

9.) Golly

10.) Knockers

I don't have a catchy title today. Sorry. You can suffer. Or make one up all on your own.

So – as you all know who read this space – work is kicking my ass. I just put in a 14 hour day three weeks out from my annual meeting. I cannot even fathom what the next weeks will bring, My soul has detached from my body in a way where now all I do is work, sleep, and exercise.

All of my food is coming from Starbucks.

Needless to say sometimes these days I’m getting a weeeee bit loopy, especially during work. My filter is gone…I could potentially say anything.

During work I occasionally (okay frequently) IM my dearest friend, the BFF.

Today – I took a momentary break to catch up, and during the course reminded her of a lustily good cheese based snack treat that can be found at a place in Wisconsin. She thanked me – and this is what I I’md her in response.

2:26 PM
me:
giver
me
yes I am
and like me some cheese
mmm cheese
I likey my cheesy
cheesypalooza
dairy fairy
the end
by me

2:27 PM
BFF: you are losing your mind! WHOO HOOO!

me:
giver
and funny too
sadly branded too difficult to exist by my father
but he can't even chew without spitting food - so I care not so much!

BFF: hilarious

me: INSTEAD - CHEESECURDS AND JOY!

BFF: nice yes yes yes

me: and cupcakes!

me:
I will dance like the light on the wings of a fairy
for a mere dollar and some sanity

me:
what?
you insinuate I am not radiating joy?
and love?
and glittery goodness
pshaw!
I LOVE THE MEETING AND EXPO
LOOOOOOOVE it

me: don't miss my soul at all

2:30 PM
me:
would buy it back for two dollars
but I stopped taking a salary because I LOVE THIS MEETING SO MUCH!

Perhaps I should get a bit more sleep.

Ah well- good luck to you and whomever may be kicking your ass at the moment.

I’m going to have a drink now.

Ten things I feel like judging today....

1.) Rain...lovely.

2.) People in the Midwest trying to drive in the rain...potentially death inducing.

3.) Adults in a group...dumb as rocks.

4.) Jackson Pollack...eh.

5.) Fluffy little kittens...darling. (tasty?)

6.) The semi-colon...evil, and useless.

7.) Nerf...odd, but strangely compelling. and squishy!

8.) G.I. Jane...good bad.

9.) Braveheart...BAD bad.

10.) The Sacagawea Dollar...ridiculous, but golden and shiny.

And He said...let there be JOY! Welcome to Monday.

Okay - this picture - maybe more like awesomeness for Monday, not exactly joy, but this guy is AWESOME! Who doesn't want to be him? I hope your day kicks ass like this guy does.

I TOTALLY know what you did.

Hope you are having an excellent weekend!

Daddy's little girl...

So my dad. He's never been a chatty guy. Or real parental. But his intentions are good and he made lots of sacrifices to take care of my mom. Whether or not this was smart - well - water under the bridge at this point. Now that she's gone he's getting chattier and trying to be a bit more involved. Kudos to him.

Before I go further with this one, it bears to say that I'm 33 years old. Currently single, have been for a few years now after the amicable, albeit painful, demise of my last two year relationship. Sometimes being old enough to get into the right trouble and being able to take advantage of it is super fun! Sometimes, especially recently, this has been a bit of a drag.

So - I called my father twice on the fourth to wish him a happy holiday and see how he was doing, as he sounded a bit low. On the second of these calls - a full three minutes in, he asked if he might pry into my personal life. Wanted to know if I was with anyone, and I told him that I wasn't at the moment, generously gave him a few details of the last two years in manville.

He then said...

Dad: "You know, I was surprised that you managed to date and live with anyone for as long as you did given how difficult you are." And then he chuckled.

Me: Silence

Dad: "Well you took THAT better than I expected you to"

I'm now left with this question.

What the hell do you do when your own father, who put up with a lot during the course of his 35 year marriage, declares you untenable to men? And thinks it's funny?

You may send me your unwanted cats of any type. According to my father I might be taking care of them well into my old age, and it's always good to have a B plan.

Best Obituary Ever.

Count Gottfried Von Bismark

Ten things America came up with that I like...A photo gallery in celebration of your only summer federal holiday. Happy Fireworks!

Joy for Monday! You know you love the joy!

Awwww.....aren't they cute? Kissing is fun!

My best moment at work this week...

As you may have picked up from recent posts - work is quite challenging for me for the next month. We have 20,000 people coming to town and I'm responsible for a whole bunch of things related to that. This involves heaps of work and lots of very very intense thinking, in addition to spectacular amounts of money and paperwork. It's been hard for awhile and it's only going to get harder before it gets better.

I can best decribe this visually as ...

What the hell are these?

So...

In the context of this knowledge, I present you with my favorite moment at work this week.

I am following a lovely woman at my office, we'll call her "Knowledge, " into the kitchen to get some crappy, but free coffee.

She has a lolipop. It's green. My favorite flavor.

Knowledge: "Hey - what's up!"

Me: "Hey! Nothing much...."

Knowledge: "I have a lolipop."

Me. "You do! Yum! I want a lolipop too!...... or sweet sweet death."

We both laughed for five minutes.

This guy wants you to have an excellent weekend!

Hope it's a juicy one...

Ten reasons a job in the BDSM community would be more pleasant than my job at the moment...

For those of you reading from the office that don’t know what BDSM is – don’t google it from there. For those of you that know me and have assumptions about what my job would be in such situations, please put your assumptions aside, you don't know as much as you think you do anyway :)...

1.) The intensely harsh beating I was taking would be in some way, enjoyable and consensual.

2.) I would have a spectacular set of tools for dealing with unresponsive, condescending older men.

3.) My vaguely inappropriate collection of footwear and accessories would get waaaaay more use.

4.) When I wanted to repeatedly beat someone upside the head, I could, and it would be okay, perhaps even encouraged!

5.) When someone gives me the “up down” look, as we refer to it at the office, it would be GOOD because I was rocking my cleavage, not BAD because I was rocking my cleavage.

6.) My show clothes wouldn’t have “Staff” embroidered on them.

7.) If I was roped into something, it would have cool knots and would in some way bring me pleasure.

8.) I probably wouldn’t have to deal with so much freight.

9.) I would finally have somewhere to wear my furry chipmunk costume…oh wait...that’s something else. Damn.

10.) I would have a safe word. And be able to use it.

And the award for best use of Madlibs goes to....

I used to be a production manager for a regional theatre. This particular job fits very nicely into my career path, which can best be described as, I only accept positions where everything is my problem, all of the bucks stop with me, and I am called upon to set up a coffee stations from time to time.

Every night after rehearsal or a show, the stage manager submits a production report to yours truly - the production manager - and the head of every other production related department. During a particularly festive production I had an SM who wrote the following at the bottom of the report...
________________________________________________

Heather: As it's a slow night, I've decided to give Heather her own category. Please feel free to write little notes to her in this space. As you probably don't have time to think of something to say----I'll give you the format.

Heather, I seem to have a problem getting my______________to work properly. Could you_________or__________me soon. Also I want to set up a _________meeting between that _________ you call a _____________. Would___________be OK with____________ or will I have to ___________myself? Thanks awfully. P.S. You look _____________ in ___________. :)
____________________________________________
Madlibs. Do not underestimate their use in a professional setting, and John Hurley, wherever the hell you are, you kick ass.