Hey Midwest! Here’s why you hate me.

Are you from the east coast too? Mid-Atlantic region? New York perhaps? Sing along – you know the tune…

1.) I’m too loud

2.) I talk too fast

3.) I expect customer service that at least alludes to the fact that you are supposed to be PROVIDING me a SERVICE in any sort of efficient fashion, and am not afraid to tell you about it if I sense that you do not understand this. Not that you are my bitch – or that I will be mean – but if I have to wait fifteen minutes to get a glass of water or a check at your restaurant – I will find what I need and take care of it myself.

4.) I know every word to every song that Billy Joel recorded up to the Glass Houses Album and will sing along whenever given the opportunity.

5.) I merge in traffic with deft purpose and no sense of regret (we’re all in this together people – CHOOSE. MERGE. ON WITH IT.)

6.) I judge you for calling those round circles of bready things you make here “bagels” and “pizza,” respectively. They are neither. While I’m at it – I suggest: “chewy bread rings” and “bucket’o cheese.”

7.) I walk faster than you.

8.) I say what I mean and I mean what I say.

9.) I will stand in no lines that serve no purpose.

10.) I hate the Bears, the Cubs, the Sox, Chicago style hot dogs, St. Patrick’s Day, and all things from Ohio.

All of this said, I have adjusted to my status as the red headed step-child of the Midwest.

The thing is…I love LOVE love Chicago. I love this town. I might never feel 100% at home here, but I feel more at home in my life, in this freezing cold, far too hot, irritatingly slow, aggressively polite and inappropriately touchy city with no regard for personal space and some strange sweatshirt-applique fetish, than I ever did back east, despite the high quality seafood and general efficiency.

So – Chicago – Thank you. We might never see eye-to-eye on everything, and you might think I’m a rude-ass whore, but you’re my city, and I’m here to stay.

JOOOOY for Monday! Beware your Kitten Overlords

Yeah - it's late...but it's still Monday. So shut up. I gave you Joy, didn't I? Cute, fluffy, flying space kitty joy. So calm down. Look at the flying kitty. You feel better now...don't you?

Image courtesy of cute overload

Joy for Monday!!! Creepy stuff from our youth theme continues

Joy for Monday! Voodoo style...

It’s Friday – I SHOULD be out. I have invitations to be out. With people I like. CHARMING PEOPLE. Whose company I enjoy. Instead – I am choosing to write. Why? Because I like to, because I want to and most importantly, because I choose discipline. Today.

I’m not great with disciplining myself. In my youth – I suffered no actual consequences for my actions, I could in fact, do pretty much whatever the hell I wanted. This has been true of my adulthood as well. No idea why, I can just get away with stuff because I assume that I can, because I have the rare ability to talk you (or exhaust you) into doing what I want. I’m not saying that I never had to pay a parking ticket, or suffer the slings and arrows of detention or late fees, but generally – I get my way. I use this tool professionally – hey hotel! Do what I say!
I do not use this power for evil. I use it for good – what I typically want is for the good of the whole (for which I am typically responsible) or to support a need of the other, or frankly, to save some damn time. In the end, this ability – brought by nature and grown by nurture-has left me in a place where I can get many things done veeeeery fast, but without much balance.

So! Assuming that I have a busy life, and many people with whom to engage, I am putting my personal priority now, on learning how to discipline myself. I think it may be the last remaining act of self-parenting. (at 36 – good lord – I certainly fucking hope so – but life is a tricky mistress)

Many say – Oh Heather! You are so disciplined! Yes – but not in the face of temptation. I can dodge temptation well, and the appearance of discipline comes from that. Yes, I have accomplished many things that people judge as “hard.” But – I have come to believe that true discipline is being able to confront temptation. We all need to dodge temptation to a point, but isn’t the really healthy thing to be able to walk into the belly of the beast and say “no”?

I think it is.

Oh, Heather – you’re too hard on yourself!

Really? No – I’m not. My standards are my standards, and what I have come to accept is that I expect more from myself. I might live just great up to your standards or average standards or acceptable standards, but not to mine, and living up to one’s standards is where the good, juicy life stuff comes from…is it not? I have come from farther (further?)*behind, but that does not change the finish line.

So – wish me luck. We’ll see how I do. Keep an eye out for more on the blog…

And if anyone out there has special requests, please drop a line. I’ll take any topic you give me. You can be a part of my big discipline party!**

*I always screw that up, English degree notwithstanding
**For those of you out there that went immediately to where you did with that last one.. not – not THAT kind of discipline party.