Sunday, April 25, 2010

Ten Things I Know...

1.) Having one ear clogged for multiple days is definitely one of the top ten annoying things that can physically happen. FINE I’ll go to the damn doctor.

2.) I’m still always surprised that I ever worked for the Navy, although I did get to eat lunch once with 3500 cadets at the Naval Academy. That was cool.

3.) Politics are exhausting, both personally and professionally.

4.) Scrabble would be more fun if you could also play Latin words.

5.) One cannot underestimate the importance of good signage.

6.) Sometimes you are too old/too professionally employed to dye your hair purple. Which is kind of a bummer. Because I’m currently craving this hair.





7.) The voice of Terry Gross is one of the supreme auditory experiences in life.


8.) If I ever need handicap tags, I’m totally going this route:


As an aside I still mourn the lost opportunity to ever have scooter race with the brotherman on my late mother’s electrified wheelchairs.


9.) One should always own a good hat.

10.) The happiest people on earth are not at Disney World. They are at Baconfest.

JOY for Monday...shhhh...it's a SECRET!

Monday, April 5, 2010

I kept myself from making a really bad pun about cattle and eyes. You're welcome.



So, when my fingers started spitting out words tonight (that would be an awesome superhero power, would it not?)it started as some strange, roamy thing about inspiration that was a tad sweet and mooshy…and it was all very odd, like I was Buffalo Bill in a skin suit. I’m not that girl, I’m inspired by beauty and art, and many other things that touch the human condition…but I am not a Blue Mountain Arts Card, mercifully so. The better word, the active word, the fire under your ass – sledgehammer to the problem word is …

Catalyze. To Catalyze. Catalyzing. Say it! See how it feels on your tongue…

Electric…yes?

TEN of the most CATALYZING things that have ever been said to me.

• Can’t.

• Well, if you don’t know where you are supposed to be, why don’t you just decide where you want to be?

• I tried to make it work with you.

• No.

• I decided long ago that you were on your own.

• Once time is gone, you can’t ever get it back.

• You gotta want it.

• Yes.

• Aren’t we a little bit old for that?

• Does it sound like a better life to follow your dreams, or to follow your fears? (thanks brotherman)

Some of these were from people I love, some from people who my life touched briefly, and some are from people who no longer are entitled to my time. One is from my third grade teacher. I thank them all for passing through. We never know what will spring us into action, but I'm eternally grateful for the random moment that reverberates, regardless of its genesis.

JOY! Monday! Before there was Law and Order....

I'm feeling some Jerry Orbach today....

Monday, March 29, 2010

Hey Midwest! Here’s why you hate me.



Are you from the east coast too? Mid-Atlantic region? New York perhaps? Sing along – you know the tune…

1.) I’m too loud

2.) I talk too fast

3.) I expect customer service that at least alludes to the fact that you are supposed to be PROVIDING me a SERVICE in any sort of efficient fashion, and am not afraid to tell you about it if I sense that you do not understand this. Not that you are my bitch – or that I will be mean – but if I have to wait fifteen minutes to get a glass of water or a check at your restaurant – I will find what I need and take care of it myself.

4.) I know every word to every song that Billy Joel recorded up to the Glass Houses Album and will sing along whenever given the opportunity.

5.) I merge in traffic with deft purpose and no sense of regret (we’re all in this together people – CHOOSE. MERGE. ON WITH IT.)

6.) I judge you for calling those round circles of bready things you make here “bagels” and “pizza,” respectively. They are neither. While I’m at it – I suggest: “chewy bread rings” and “bucket’o cheese.”

7.) I walk faster than you.

8.) I say what I mean and I mean what I say.

9.) I will stand in no lines that serve no purpose.

10.) I hate the Bears, the Cubs, the Sox, Chicago style hot dogs, St. Patrick’s Day, and all things from Ohio.

All of this said, I have adjusted to my status as the red headed step-child of the Midwest.

The thing is…I love LOVE love Chicago. I love this town. I might never feel 100% at home here, but I feel more at home in my life, in this freezing cold, far too hot, irritatingly slow, aggressively polite and inappropriately touchy city with no regard for personal space and some strange sweatshirt-applique fetish, than I ever did back east, despite the high quality seafood and general efficiency.

So – Chicago – Thank you. We might never see eye-to-eye on everything, and you might think I’m a rude-ass whore, but you’re my city, and I’m here to stay.

JOOOOY for Monday! Beware your Kitten Overlords



Yeah - it's late...but it's still Monday. So shut up. I gave you Joy, didn't I? Cute, fluffy, flying space kitty joy. So calm down. Look at the flying kitty. You feel better now...don't you?

Image courtesy of cute overload

Friday, March 5, 2010



It’s Friday – I SHOULD be out. I have invitations to be out. With people I like. CHARMING PEOPLE. Whose company I enjoy. Instead – I am choosing to write. Why? Because I like to, because I want to and most importantly, because I choose discipline. Today.

I’m not great with disciplining myself. In my youth – I suffered no actual consequences for my actions, I could in fact, do pretty much whatever the hell I wanted. This has been true of my adulthood as well. No idea why, I can just get away with stuff because I assume that I can, because I have the rare ability to talk you (or exhaust you) into doing what I want. I’m not saying that I never had to pay a parking ticket, or suffer the slings and arrows of detention or late fees, but generally – I get my way. I use this tool professionally – hey hotel! Do what I say!
I do not use this power for evil. I use it for good – what I typically want is for the good of the whole (for which I am typically responsible) or to support a need of the other, or frankly, to save some damn time. In the end, this ability – brought by nature and grown by nurture-has left me in a place where I can get many things done veeeeery fast, but without much balance.

So! Assuming that I have a busy life, and many people with whom to engage, I am putting my personal priority now, on learning how to discipline myself. I think it may be the last remaining act of self-parenting. (at 36 – good lord – I certainly fucking hope so – but life is a tricky mistress)

Many say – Oh Heather! You are so disciplined! Yes – but not in the face of temptation. I can dodge temptation well, and the appearance of discipline comes from that. Yes, I have accomplished many things that people judge as “hard.” But – I have come to believe that true discipline is being able to confront temptation. We all need to dodge temptation to a point, but isn’t the really healthy thing to be able to walk into the belly of the beast and say “no”?

I think it is.

Oh, Heather – you’re too hard on yourself!

Really? No – I’m not. My standards are my standards, and what I have come to accept is that I expect more from myself. I might live just great up to your standards or average standards or acceptable standards, but not to mine, and living up to one’s standards is where the good, juicy life stuff comes from…is it not? I have come from farther (further?)*behind, but that does not change the finish line.

So – wish me luck. We’ll see how I do. Keep an eye out for more on the blog…

And if anyone out there has special requests, please drop a line. I’ll take any topic you give me. You can be a part of my big discipline party!**

*I always screw that up, English degree notwithstanding
**For those of you out there that went immediately to where you did with that last one.. not – not THAT kind of discipline party.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Hello Monday, Pleased to make your acquaintance.

You've probably see this. Watch it again.



Happy Monday!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Would you like to feel your soul today?

I have no witty comment on this. It's worth your time, you should read it. Get a tissue first. And then read it anyway.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Joy. For. MONDAAAAAAAAAY.


Here's a kitten and a puppy. Have a great week!

Things You Can't Post on Facebook: Neighbors Edition



My downstairs neighbors are nasty. Their very old dog had to be put down. RIP adorable puppy, but it's worked out great for me, because now I never see them.

Friday, February 12, 2010

On Fat

I’m fat.

I can feel you inhale…yes? It’s a strange (taboo?) thing to hear people say about themselves without a great swath of self loathing or compliment hunting. But it’s true. My BMI declares me overweight. This is not to say that I’m ugly or gross, or hideous, or unhealthy, or don’t take care of myself, or hate who I am, but…I’m fat.

Before we get any further, as it seems to bear…

I look like this:

And this:

And this:

As an aside, these pictures were all taken in the last eight months. I weigh within the same five pounds in all of them.

“FAT” fatfatfatfatfat. The word is so incredibly loaded. It has grown beyond its actual definition (from Merriam Webster: 1 : notable for having an unusual amount of fat) and into a slur, a vicious judgment, the last socially acceptable prejudice. It is one of the words you simply cannot hurl without injury.

You, assuming that YOU are not fat, probably know better than I do what people mean when they use this word, actually. Only very rarely is the word “fat” used in front of a fat person. I’ve been distanced from the social use and discussion of the word, and how it is used on the other side of the fence, where the thin people are, because I have spent, literally, my whole life overweight. It was one of the first two things I knew about myself: 1.) redhead (awesome), 2.) fat (ugh).

It’s an interesting context to grow up with because every part of your life happens through the filter of “Fat Girl.” Before you are anything, you are fat. You’ll have to take my word on that for the moment before I get around to exploring that topic here, which I eventually will. Suffice it to say that I was grew up under the care of a 6 foot, 600 pound narcissist with addiction issues who basically killed herself with her weight loss efforts and a man who did a really good job of running for cover and enabling this tragic slide. (But we watched a bunch of The Muppet Show, so that was cool.) Obvs, there’s some genetic stuff in there as well, but I’m gonna cut to the chase and say that with the combination of nature and nurture, I was kind of screwed before I even got started. I have always been a fat person, I have no memory of being anything other.

To meet me with my friends, you would likely refer to me as the fat girl (oh excuse me – large…heavy…big – and you might whisper it so as not to seem rude), and, frankly, I am, in the circles I travel. But that does not necessarily mean what you think it means, apologies to Fezig.

So – here’s the thing, I eat well, I exercise, I have kept close to fifty pounds of weight off for over ten years( a rarely accomplished feat, if I don’t say so myself). You’d never know these things to see me on the street, and that pretty much is what it is. I’m not the thinnest I’ve ever been right now, but I’m always fighting to get there without living a life that is focused on the concept of thin = happy, because that is fools gold. Could I exercise even more? Sure. Could I eat even better? Yeah. Do I sometimes lose the fight over my body’s irrational impulse to eat too much? Or crap? Or emotionally? Sure. I could work out for an hour seven days a week, and cook every single meal from scratch, rather than just the 95% I do now and give up the entire rest of my life in order to attain this one ideal.

Or I could preserve some time, and energy, and mental space for the people and the things that I love. Hitting the gym three times a week, not cooking every twelfth meal, and calling that a happy medium so that I can suck the marrow of joy from the rest of my life.

Am I perfect? Not by a long shot.
Am I happy? Yeah.
Am I lucky? Incredibly.

I can’t control how the world perceives me. That is a ridiculously unwinnable battle. I control my choices, and can really only judge myself from where I’ve come.

So – I’ll choose joy, and I’ll rock my fat ass, and I give you full permission to judge me as you will.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Hammer of Judgment. BRING IT!



Avatar… TERRIBLE. Best picture? Really? Any story, or acting, or writing would have been nice…and they WASTED STEPHEN LANG. Yeah – it was pretty. So is Paris Hilton. Screw you Cameron.

The letter X... Cliché. Use of X is just lazy at this point. Do something creative with the letter P or something, and I’ll be slightly more impressed.

This chick… Awesome. Yeah – she’s ten years younger than me. I still want to be her when I grow up.

Estelle Parsons.... Humbling. She is eighty-plus years old. Rocking three brilliant acts of August: Osage County. RESPECT.

This guy... FIERCE.

People who do not know how to merge in traffic….EXHAUSTING. (And by this I mean, anyone who is native to the Midwest, with the exception of a very few)

Bacon Bourbon Caramel Corn…mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Liars…lazy. Come on people – man up. Speak the truth for the good of the order. Are you really THAT MUCH of a chicken?

The iPad…Obviously marketed only by men. The iPad? Really? I’ll be the first to buy one after I run to the Duane Reade and get myself some iPons. And don’t even get me started on the iPhone fart app.

This. Potentially more creativity than we’ve seen in our Nation’s Capital in years.

Happy Snowmageddon 2010!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Monday...JOY...tea and oranges style...

I just like this. I hope you do too.

Yeah - it's not all YEAH! IT'S MONDAY! BRING IT! Think of it as a nice smooth roll-in to the week...like on a fluffy bed of pillows.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Thoughts you can't post on Facebook: Pulitzer Prizewinner Edition



I saw August: Osage County last night. I'm really glad Mom died first.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Saturday, January 30, 2010

2010 - What the hell do I know? Well - at least TEN THINGS

Well – the run up to this would be: The first thing I sort of know is that if you don’t blog for awhile, you eventually hear about it from people in all aspects of your life. Sorry friends! Let’s see how I do this year – shall we? Here – in an illustrious return to the bucket of glitter, and a riff on both old and new themes…kicking off the 2010 blogging season is…

Ten things I know!

1.) The Supreme Court has made a really grievous error in judgment. Guess I should start saving up now to have my vote matter for anything.

2.) Fewer things feel like a job better done than hitting the rare trifecta of a gift that equally delights your 30-something year old best friend and her four year old niece, and also mortifies your boyfriend to the same degree while he is carrying it home from the store.

3.) Spin class is more fun when they play the club mix of Jesus Christ Superstar. If someone ever started a spin class that was the soundtrack to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and we were all allowed to sing, I would go EVERY SINGLE DAY.

4.) Muppets are awesome.

5.) So is cake.

6.) I cannot now, nor ever will, be convinced that a life devoid of creative or humanitarian pursuit is a life worth living.

7.) There are fewer things more annoying in life than the fact that the second your laundry is done, there is more laundry to do. If someone invents flattering disposable clothes, I’m the first person in line.

8.) The first sign that you might not be as awesome as you might think you are is the fact that you consistently tell people how awesome you are.

9.) This band is totally a hipster gimmick, yet all men of any age seem impervious to that. I can’t imagine why…


10.) Apparently, when dating a librarian, it’s a wise idea to return your library books on time. Otherwise, he will take your library card from you and not give it back. Ever.