Joy for Mon...Tuesday! Okay - I owe you one...

Due to my ridiculous day yesterday - yes there was no joy. But TODAY hopefully it will be the most joy of the past eight years...

So first up! Non electoral joy...


And in honor of Election day... you get THIS TOO!


Lets hope this time tomorrow - we all have the JOY...

eeeeeeeeeeeh - Joy for Monday!

You've probably see this. But it derserves your attention.

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

Happy Monday! And lets hope that we have a very happy November 5.

TOO MUCH JOY for Monday!

For you. enjoy :) this is totally the way to start your day right.

Joy for Monday! From a remote location...

THIS is how much I care. I'm running a meetings, and yet - joy for you! I know. I'm a giver.

Go here. You will enjoy it. I'm TOTALLY in love with this an dthese people. It is totally safe for work. You're gonna have to trust me. Put all of your scary trust issues aside - as if you read this blog at all, I'm confident that you are all broken and twisty on the inside, despite any candy coated verneer you have developed after all of these years. So. Just go there. You wil thank me.

If you are still a TOTAL chicken...here's a picture. Yeah - you can have some joy too, but I'm secretly judging your validity as a person on this side of the interwebs.

from cute overload...

Joy for Monday! It will warm the cockles of your cold cold heart.!

BABY DEER! Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.

That is all. Enjoy your day.

Chicagoversary!

So - as of this weekend, Friday to be exact, I have lived in Chicago for three years. Here are the top ten things that I have learned.

1.) If you don't care about baseball -the Chicago Cubs are a pain in the ass.

2.) You cannot spend too much money on a really good pair of shoes, or a really warm coat.

3.) There are places in the world (Chicago) where strangers think that if they touch you, you will be comforted and calmed by it. The people that do this must be tolerated, if secretly loathed and judged.

4.) It is possible to be too polite.

5.) When you don't drive on the highway for a long time, you lose your beltway-drivin' edge.

6.) There is something called a cheese curd. It is nasty and loved by many of the midwestern folk.

7.) There is nothing that cannot be fried.

8.) People that say what they mean, and mean what they say, are terribly underrated.

9.) If people tell you you speak too fast when you live on the east coast - people in the midwest don't have a chance at understanding any word that comes out of your mouth.

10.) The Chicago-style hot dog is a criminal act perpetrated by bored midwesterners with too many condiments on hand.

Now- am I happier than when I lived in DC? I don't know. That's a question for the ages, but I'm certainly having more fun, and I definately love Chicago. So all-in-all - good decision to move. Especially since, now that the cubs blew it, I no longer have to make small talk about the series. Which I consider quite a blessing.

Joy. For. MONDAAAAAAY!

Hi All - for the three of you that read my blog - wow am I sorry for being such a slacker. I was not okay, and then I was swamped, and then I was tired, and now I'm great and I'm back!

SO! here - for you - are two of the things I love the most (cake and muppets!) combined into one.



Click the photo for more tasty pictures of this blue-ribbon winning (literally!) cake, courtesy of http://www.cakewrecks.com/

The perils of being historically notable...

Dear God. Please never let me be important enough that this would ever happen my undergarments. Thank you for not making me Queen of England. And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE have Santa bring me a pony.

Amen.

PS - I want one of these too!


LONDON (AP) - Her majesty would not be amused. A pair of Queen Victoria's bloomers, with a 50-inch waist, were snapped up for $9,000 by a Canadian buyer at a central England auction Wednesday.

Auctioneer Charles Hanson said Queen Victoria's underpants belonged to "a very big lady of quite small stature with a very wide girth." She was said to be 5 feet tall.

The handmade knickers -- which date back to the 1890s -- bear the monogram -- VR -- for Victoria Regina. They are open-crotch style, with separate legs joined by a drawstring at the waist, a popular style in the late Victorian era.

The royal drawers belonged to a family in western England whose ancestor was a lady-in-waiting for the queen.

"These pants, considering their provenance and pedigree, are very exciting," Hanson said. "They are monogrammed and crested and we know that they are hers."

Also up for auction was Queen Victoria's chemise, with a 66-inch bust, sold for $8,000. Her nightgown sold for $11,000.

Joy!

baaaaa.

If I was prone to falling in love with people from you tube...

I would totally marry this guy.

I'm back!

Shrimp '08 has concluded. I survived it! I hope you survived your week as well.

Here's a list of stuff I do to recover from my Annual Meeting upon my return:

1.) Nap.

2.) Drink.

3.) Buy shoes.

4.) Nap Drunk.

5.) Nap.

6.) Watch Law & Order

7.) Drink and watch Law & Order.

8.) Buy more shoes.

9.) Nap.

10.) Make sure cat is not dead.

Welcome to the rest of my summer. Joy shall return for Monday.

JOY! Beans!

So - the Tony awards were last night (!!) and in honor of that - I bring you this. One of my faves.

Enjoy your Monday. I'm hoping that I survive mine.



While we're at it. Let's give it up for Bernadette Peters. shall we? clap clap clap clap.

Bring the hate! Part something or other because I lost count.

Hi Friends - it's that time of year again. The annual meeting palooza - or as I'm calling it these days - shrimp '08. Make of that what you will.

In honor of the hate in my soul - I bring you...

Ten things that I hate! The east coast version.

1.) Longaberger Baskets.

2.) Yankee Candles.

3.) Applique Sweatshirts.

4.) Brighton Jewelry.

5.) The mall.

6.) Freight.

7.) Cheese Curds.

9.) People that don't know how to merge in traffic.

10.) Chicago style hotdogs.

Bonus eleventh and twelfth items of hate!

11.) This.

12.) Here.

A wise man once said...

Even if you have won the hot dog eating contest, you have still lost.

Apparently there is at least a bit of wisdom in Texas.

Look ma! I'm an artist.

So. I made art at work in a meeting today.



I wonder what this is telling me.

Best. Marketing. Ever.

From advertising is good for you

JOOOOOOOOOOY for Monday. Yeah baby!

Feelin' superstitious?



Three weeks and counting until my annual meeting is here. Four weeks until it's over. Please note that all joy will be posted ironically until then.

Thanks.

The management.

Jokey McJokerson rides again!

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?


Cause she was a WOMAN.



heh. I should be horribly offended by this joke. Oddly - I'm not. But I doubt that's surprising.

Last night I had the strangest dream...

In my dream I was committed to an insane asylum that looked like a regular Hampton Inny sort of place. I didn't know it was an asylum until I started paying REEEEEEALY close attention and noticed that, while most of the people seemed okay, they all had little signs like "I eat canned human flesh" and such things randomly scrawled on their body - a'la the infamous Dixie Chicks Entertainment Weekly cover. I started to wise up when realized that I didn't know how long I had been there. I escaped, Jason Bourne style, surreptitiously jumping gates and then running down the side of the road (in a fluffy skirt - I can't explain THAT part at all - but it was a super cute skirt)I hitched a ride in an eighteen wheeler with the asylum people chasing me. Eventually - I made it back to town where I FINALLY found someone I knew, who informed me that I'd been I'd been gone for 6 months and everyone thought I was a bitch for just running off.

SO - just for the good of the order - if I ever entirely disappear, I have been committed against my will. Please come find me.

Happy Friday!

Yes - but can you tie a clove hitch?

Old-timey dancin...this time with rope tricks!

JOY!

Holla for the JOY! My greatest apologies that it's been so long...

Let's get the ball rolling with a little Easter Parade...shall we?

Whos says never say "can't" ?

(or Kant - but that's a whole other post)

Words I can’t spell:
1.) Definitely
2.) Opportunities
3.) Hors D'oeuvres
4.) Yogurt
5.) Hieronymus

Places I can’t locate on a map:
1.) Nebraska
2.) Wyoming
3.) New Zealand
4.) The country formerly known as Chad
5.) Kentucky

Things I can’t care about:
1.) Perfectly organized files
2.) Flying Squirrels
3.) Jenna Jameson (Although I did go to college with this guy (LINK SO NSFW) so at least there is a porn star somewhere I can care about.
4.) Probiotics
5.) Nebraska

People I can’t like
1.) Bjork
2.) Vincent D’Onofrio
3.) The nasty flaming bartender at my favorite bar. Sad that.
4.) George Bush
5.) This guy:

Joy! bunnies!

for you...


For those of you that care - I apologize for being late. I had a meeting - it ate my soul - you know the drill. I'm back now, I like you, and here's some joy! see how I give?

Joy!

I think this is exquisite....

Five things I know about that you should know about...

Good morning sir - may I offer you some JOY?

Hello everybody - welcome to the week. I hope you come out the winner.

This is for you...

The vengeful return of Jokey McJokerson...

Two blonds were walking through the woods when they came across some tracks. The first blond said "Look, deer tracks!" while the second blond insisted, "No those are bear tracks." They argued. Then the train hit them.

If the cat were in charge of my blog...

...it would look like this

Apparently some guy wrote a magical program out of ones and zeros to turn your blog all cat like...

Bizarre.


(Kudos to pelki for the link. Thanks friend!)

JOY Yeah - I TOLD you I was back.

So I have aboslutley nothing to say about this - other than I hope to God that this is her real hair. Happy new week.

So I've got that going for me...which is nice.

So - it's no secret to anyone that I've been a bit up and down of late, mired in some world where Bridget Jones, Eyore, and Samuel Beckett had an orgy that birthed my brain. This particular brain has been wreaking havoc on my life.

During a great bout of said havoc-wreaking the other day my friend happened to call and as we chatted she asked me if I was really that upset. I attempted to flatly reply...

"yeah"

I tried to explain why - a nearly impossible feat - and it doesn't bear here so I'm not going to repeat it.
In response she told me a story...

Many years ago we were all playing with one of those questions books, this one was "Would you rather?" The question at hand,

"Would you rather gain the ability to leave excellent voicemail messages or have the elevator come more quickly by pushing the buttons rapidly, multiple times?"

I had said: "Well I already leave AWESOME voicemail messages so I've gotta go elevator."

She apparently now thinks of me whenever trying to get the elevator to come faster.

I have no recollection of this moment - but it's nice to know I trust that I have at least one thing under control.

I'm sure you do too. Something is bound to break you eventually - you can always fall back on your personal equivalent of excellent voicemail messages. It's a good thing to have in your pocket.

Double Whammy JOY! Yeah baby - we're back

(thanks to Grammarpants McCoy)
Hi all. Sorry for the no joy last week. I apparently had to run a big meeting and have an existential crisis. Meeting is over. Existential crisis - under control(ish). Welcome to JOY!
And as a special dedication to our friends across the pond. Thanks for checking in. This one is for you.

I just can't help myself...

You know - somedays you are just feeling east coast and BIG HAIR.

Good morning to you.

Hmmm - How about ...Things that are COLD

First off - let's go with ME - I'm a cold and evil woman for not posting JOY.

Monday was President's day. I was busy celebrating because no matter what happens, George Bush will not be president next year.
Or I was taking a nap.
Or I was learning how to raise glittery unicorns.
Or I was busy recovering from the abject embarrassment of having one manhattan too many the night before and for the first time ever - totally losing my balance and FALLING into a nice man that I was flirting with. (For the grammarpants among you - the nice man with whom I was flirting)
Or I was in astronaut training.

I'll let you guess which of the above is true, and which is a lie.

That said - It's zero degrees in Chicago! Let's talk about stuff that's cold...shall we?

1.) Girls in middle school (U-G-L-Y you ain't got no ALIBI you're UGLY, oh my god your UGLY)

2.) A nice manhattan

3.) The tiny bottom of Rosemary's baby(cute but eeeeeeevil)

4.) Gold. If you change a letter.

5.) Iceman (the Val Kilmer version - not the one that cometh)

6.) The Dairy Queen Dipcone!

7.) My cute little tootsies in the FREAKING COLD WEATHER.

8.) Catholicism

9.) Bill O'Reilly (well- he's just an asshole - but I'm considering that cold. Not like Tim Russert - who is a warm fuzzy teddybear and I heart him)

10.) CHICAGO. Ow.

OOOh - Beethoven off!

So - Inspired by this little video from by Chert(impossible to spell)k over at Nobody's Friend, I thought that I would bring you this...

JOY for Tuesday? Perhaps....
Cartoon love for the week at hand? Maybe...
Musical theatre making a mockery out of something revered? Possibly...

Eye of the beholder...blah blah blah.

Enjoy!

JOY!

For you and your sweetheart.

It's Sunday. Ow.

Hello All! I had at least two inspiring and thoughtful ideas on which to write today. I however forgot that at 34 years old, my body doesn't take too kindly to drinking until 3:30am. SO - At some point this week, I will have something possibly interesting (or not - you be the judge - judging is fun!) to say. Hell - feel free to send in requests or questions that you would like an answer to. Perhaps I will take the time to address your needs and wants. Maybe not. Isn't the suspense killing you?

Today - nothing of depth is coming from me. Here is a list of ten things, of no depth whatsoever, that I would say to you if you were in my apartment RIGHT NOW.

1.) Would you like some water?

2.) Yes - it in fact IS 95 degrees in here, even though it is 0 degrees outside.

3.) This is my cat. I am no longer in charge and I apologize in advance for the awesomeness of her belligerence.

4.) Why, I'd be DELIGHTED to let you do my laundry - thank you so much.

5.) You look great! And smell vaguely of debauchery!

6.) Would you like some jerky?

7.) Dinner is in the dinner cooking machine. (I actually just said this. Should give you some sense as to where my head is.)

8.) Hey! Have you tried the Belief-o-matic? You totally should! I'm a neo-pagan, according to this. Pretty dead on. More dead on is my incompatibility with Catholicism. Good thing I gave it up for lent in 1990)

9.) Are you sure that I can't offer you anything?

10.) Yes - that is a copy of the autobiography of Lee Iacocca. No - it is not mine.

Whatever you do - don't go here

Flight of the Hamsters

yowza...

When I left for work at 6:00am this morning the windchill was 26 degrees below zero.

Here's a hedgehog and a squirrel.

Joy for Tuesday? Yeah - I suck.

SO - I went home this weekend. It ate my soul as usual. So - I jacked up your Monday by giving you no joy. Sorry. You're an adult. I suspect that you will live.

Anyway - now that it's TUESDAY I'm sure it's a weee bit less joyous, but here's some Dresden Dolls. I hope you like it.




Have a nice day. Or not. It's really up to you. But I'll respect your decision either way.

Joy...for TUESDAY!

Why? Just because I can. Have a nice day. And a cup of coffee. And maybe a little nip'o the whiskey. But you should probably wait a few hours on that last one.

Soon - I may write something actual again - but for the moment I'll rely on You Tube! Thanks interwebs.

Joy for Monday - because I can't be more creative than that.

So I quit smoking. again. Yay for me. Boo for my sanity. I'm a twitchy ass mess and am apparently allergic to nicotine patches. It's making me a little cranky and I can't focus to find you a picture or video of joy of any type... Here's a list of stuff that brings ME joy. Perhaps some of these things bring you joy as well - and then we can have a special joy moment over what we have in common. I just simply can't find an appropriate picture of a fluffy chicken or whatnot today.

1.)Acoustic Guitar

2.)Spinach

3.)Road Trips!

4.)Yellow cupcakes with chocolate icing and rainbow sprinkles.

5.)Leather

6.)Cashmere

7.)Brand new handsoap

8.)Things that are sturdy

9.)Riggers

10.)Jazz Clarinet.

Happy Joy to YOU!

Zip! Zap! JOY!

Marlon says good morning.

I say greetings from the pacific northwest. I'm on the road - but see how I still care about your joy?

Oh!

It's all so much clearer to me now.

JOY!

Here's a bunny. Have a nice day.