Insert witty title here that makes sense of Alice, sauce, Pandora, ugly shoes, hot dogs and Seinfeld.

So- I've surprisingly been having a less than stellar few weeks out here in the wilds of my life. I seem to have jacked up/misplaced my chi. Have you seen it? I could have sworn it was right there.

Last year I opted to figure out what an adult female was supposed to do with these strange things called feelings. Apparently the box I was keeping them in, lo these many years, used to be owned by Pandora. Then there were the few months I put them BACK in the box (it's a damn handy box to have) so that I could turn into a bionic working machine, subsisting on coffee, spinach, and the Starbucks Reduced-Fat Turkey Bacon Breakfast Sandwich. In hindsight, this progression of events was, while unavoidable, not one of the best ideas I ever had.

I've been stunned to discover that I'm now paying the piper, trying to emotionally catch up. Stupid piper. What's interesting (...frustrating...agonizing...ridiculous) to me is that catching up when you are behind on the feeling isn't as simple as catching up on laundry - you can't dedicate a whole day to it, drop off your drycleaning, and merrily go on with your life. It's more like making sauce. Not something you can rush, or do well with bad equipment, or neglect while you're doing other things. One must simply put it all in the pot and stir constantly until you have dinner. Dammit.

My advice to you, should you ask, is if you willingly peer into the looking glass and choose to step through, don't underestimate the length or depth of that trip. The journey back from behind it is a long one, and it needs a bunch of gear.

Fortunately, I have NOT misplaced my "funny." So I'm at least having an amusing trip along the way....

Case in point...one of the frequent ways I'm described is "that Heather - she can get things DONE!"

Here is the VERY SIMPLE list of things that I could not get done over labor day weekend:

1.) Bought cat stuff, could not procure cat from two different locations (potentially averting a murderous rage in England)

2.) Got pulled over on the way home from the cat debacle. Could not get out of ticket. Cop was condescending and mean despite my inappropriately low cut shirt.

3.) Later, went to buy a book - which they did not have at the bookstore.

4.) Then, went to the movies - where I was informed that the AC was out, just in my theatre. As it was pushing 100 degrees out here, decided to go home instead and get a hot dog for lunch and buy some shoes.

5.) All of the shoes were ugly.

6.) Hot dog place was closed.

7.) Walked to the bakery for hot dog buns - closed.

8.) Walked to the grocery store for same buns - closed.

FINALLY managed to procure some freaking buns at the second grocery store.

By the time I got to the AC at the movie theatre - I had just given up and decided I was living someone else's life over the weekend - like a bad Seinfeld episode. Hilarious.

Granted - also infuriating - but really - hilarious.

Man - when the universe is going to smack you upside the head with a two-by-four, it really likes to go for it.