Jokey McJokerson Says....

So this penguin is driving cross country during a hot summer, when his car breaks down. Fortunately, he rolls to a stop right next to a gas station. The attendant says he'll check it out, and suggests that the penguin waddle across the street to a convenience store, where it's cool.

So he does. Inside he gets a bowl of vanilla ice cream, eating it rather clumsily, seeing as how he doesn't have hands. When he is done, he waddles over to the service station.

The mechanic looks up from his car and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin says, "Nah, it's just vanilla ice cream."

ba dum bum...old joke. Copied it off of Weingatern's chat though - so thank's to him for typing it up.

So it does not go unsaid...

YAY!!!!! Fall has entered the building. Best season EVER! Totally kicks the asses of the other seasons. For those of you that are well educated, please imagine that I have said something slightly more eloquent, possiblty a double dactyl or haiku in honor of the season.

thank you.

Joy for Monday! Ladies and gentlemen - I give you...Martin Sexton

This is a relatively crappy video. He is however, the best live show I have ever seen. I don't think this completely does him justice, but it's worth a listen to...and I'm out of apocalyptic ponies and mermaids. So this is the Joy you're gonna get today.

Speechless...

This has saddened me in a slightly surprising way.

Ten things I'm really really bad at...

I'm good at many things, if I do say so myself. Experience and time have proven this true. The flip-side of this equation is that in those areas at which I have no skills - I'm really quite appallingly bad. Far more incompetent than the average bear.

Here are ten of the many things at which I simply suck.

1.) Laundry

2.) Catching (and its sibling - throwing)

3.) Waiting

4.) Geography (I used to date a man who mockingly called me "Magellan" I was so horrifying.)

5.) Gardening

6.) Math more complicated than very simple algebra.

7.) Parking

8.) Carpentry and electrical things. (I consider this a great tragedy. I can occasionally prove to be a halfway decent plumber though.)

9.) Putting away tupperware

10.) Riding a bicycle. (oddly - I find cyclists fascinating - but won't get on a bike)

There are more - but ten is enough for one day - don'tcha think?

Feel free to guess what the others may be!

Joy for Monday! Redux...

Forgive me Father for I have sinned....

Yeah - I posted something from The Little Mermaid. I was drunk. And my blood sugar was crashing. I will however confess that I do know more of the words to that song than I should. What can I say.

Anyway - perhaps Foamy can be the picked ginger in the sushi platter that is Buckets of Glitter. Enjoy.

Joy for Monday!

You know you heart this :)

Well - Happy Freaking Birthday!

You know who you are - so I wish you the following...

1.) Horses

2.) Pirates

3.) Art!

4.) Billy Joel

5.) People that aren't sucky

6.) BLUE CRUSH!

7.) Bourbon

8.) Cheese and Crackers!

9.) Excellent Socks

10.) Great joy and happiness :)

Happy Birthday - It's been a long damn time.

I'm home sick...would you like some JOY?

Ugh. I'm at home. The doctor tells me I have a "bad cold." Helpful.

Anyway - there is no actual reason to post this. I have no idea what to make of it - but it's totally worth watching. For you...enjoy.

Monday is here. and so is the JOY!

What says welcome to your week better than a little musical comedy? And dancing with raincoats - don't forget that.

Insert witty title here that makes sense of Alice, sauce, Pandora, ugly shoes, hot dogs and Seinfeld.

So- I've surprisingly been having a less than stellar few weeks out here in the wilds of my life. I seem to have jacked up/misplaced my chi. Have you seen it? I could have sworn it was right there.

Last year I opted to figure out what an adult female was supposed to do with these strange things called feelings. Apparently the box I was keeping them in, lo these many years, used to be owned by Pandora. Then there were the few months I put them BACK in the box (it's a damn handy box to have) so that I could turn into a bionic working machine, subsisting on coffee, spinach, and the Starbucks Reduced-Fat Turkey Bacon Breakfast Sandwich. In hindsight, this progression of events was, while unavoidable, not one of the best ideas I ever had.

I've been stunned to discover that I'm now paying the piper, trying to emotionally catch up. Stupid piper. What's interesting (...frustrating...agonizing...ridiculous) to me is that catching up when you are behind on the feeling isn't as simple as catching up on laundry - you can't dedicate a whole day to it, drop off your drycleaning, and merrily go on with your life. It's more like making sauce. Not something you can rush, or do well with bad equipment, or neglect while you're doing other things. One must simply put it all in the pot and stir constantly until you have dinner. Dammit.

My advice to you, should you ask, is if you willingly peer into the looking glass and choose to step through, don't underestimate the length or depth of that trip. The journey back from behind it is a long one, and it needs a bunch of gear.

Fortunately, I have NOT misplaced my "funny." So I'm at least having an amusing trip along the way....

Case in point...one of the frequent ways I'm described is "that Heather - she can get things DONE!"

Here is the VERY SIMPLE list of things that I could not get done over labor day weekend:

1.) Bought cat stuff, could not procure cat from two different locations (potentially averting a murderous rage in England)

2.) Got pulled over on the way home from the cat debacle. Could not get out of ticket. Cop was condescending and mean despite my inappropriately low cut shirt.

3.) Later, went to buy a book - which they did not have at the bookstore.

4.) Then, went to the movies - where I was informed that the AC was out, just in my theatre. As it was pushing 100 degrees out here, decided to go home instead and get a hot dog for lunch and buy some shoes.

5.) All of the shoes were ugly.

6.) Hot dog place was closed.

7.) Walked to the bakery for hot dog buns - closed.

8.) Walked to the grocery store for same buns - closed.

FINALLY managed to procure some freaking buns at the second grocery store.

By the time I got to the AC at the movie theatre - I had just given up and decided I was living someone else's life over the weekend - like a bad Seinfeld episode. Hilarious.

Granted - also infuriating - but really - hilarious.

Man - when the universe is going to smack you upside the head with a two-by-four, it really likes to go for it.

Joy? .....for Saturday

This song...lovely.The video treatment here is a little on the precious side...but apparently the snark of depth has left me for a bit. I'm sure it will be back soon. I promise I'll get funnier as the week progresses.

Hmmm - perhaps we should just all smoke then...

Butter flavor possible cause of lung disease

9/04/2007-According to an AP report, a doctor at Denver's National Jewish Medical and Research Center has written to federal regulators that they may have the first case of a consumer who developed lung disease from the fumes of microwaving popcorn several times a day for years.

It was just one case and the doctor cautioned that they cannot be sure that the patient's exposure to butter-flavored microwave popcorn from daily heavy preparation has caused his lung disease. However, there is currently no other plausible explanation, according to the doctor.

The lung disease was first noticed in workers who make flavorings or use them to produce microwave popcorn. Production workers employed by flavoring manufacturers (or those who use flavorings in the production process) often handle a large number of chemicals, many of which can be highly irritating to breathe in high concentrations.

Diacetyl has been used as a butter flavor ingredient for several years and is approved for this use by the Food and Drug Administration. It has been the subject of lawsuits by workers at food factories exposed to the flavoring.

Butter flavors used in microwave popcorn generally contain significantly more diacetyl than other types of flavors because of consumer preference, and microwave popcorn manufacturing and preparation processes.

The Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association issued a statement Tuesday recommending that its members reduce "to the extent possible" the amount of diacetyl in butter flavorings they make.

Because I can...joy for THURSDAY!

Hello friends - extra bonus joy here! Not safe for work because of the naughty words. Well- REALLY not safe for work if you work somewhere that likes god a lot. Other than that you're doin okay.



Thanks to Nougat for the tip off.

Deep Thoughts: Happiness is ...finding your skate key

So - last week Authorblog asked - what makes you happy? Interesting, complicated question that. I read that post and dismissed it but it's been plucking at the back of my head. Like a tiny tenacious chicken on my shoulder. My knee jerk reactions were pretty simple - Tom Waits and a good bourbon, board game night, a great road trip, a well-executed event, some good lovin' - you get the drift - easy answers - technically all things that I enjoy - but are they the things that make me happy?

What's been interesting to learn the longer I rolled this one around in my head is that what makes me happy, is a day, an hour, a moment - of contentment. This is steeped in irony as "contentedness" is actually on the "Miscellaneous List of Things that I Hate" (yeah - that really exists.) There is a very fine line between the two. Contentedness, as I know it, implies long term settling, not moving forward, not risking growth. Conversely, a moment of contentment, is earned, at least for me. Having all of the other daily needs, cares, demons in your life and your head put to bed for a period of time, however brief and by whatever means. To use a spectacularly average cliche, a moment to really stop and smell the roses. The real happiness is not in Tom Waits and bourbon, but that you can take the time to wallow in it, good lovin' is great (YAY!) - but transcendent is the moment of lying in the arms of a man who is both your lover and trusted friend.

So - the happiness for me - is not only the great moment, but having earned the ability to relish while it lasts. Happiness, not so much a state of being, but something to be captured in the net.

We'll see what the chicken makes me do next.

Monday is here...and so is the JOY!

Hide your children.

Ten things I feel like judging today...

So - today I was digging around in my office and I found a Meyers Briggs test that I took in college. It says that in 1992 I was a ENTP - (Extravert/Intuitive/Thinker/Perceiver). I am NOW I know from having to had to retake the test a few times, an ENTJ - all of the same as above, but the last one is "Judger." heh. I'm not sure what that says about me, but I'm going to put my extra-judginess to use for the greater good.... here you are.

The hammer of judgement falls again...

1.) Cashmere/silk blends - mmmmm, fuzzy.

2.) Dismissiveness - Highly underrated.

3.) Dim Sum Delivery - Awesome, and dangerous.

4.) Manheim Steamroller - Ugh. why? WHY?

5.) Rachel Ray - Potentially the most annoying woman on the planet.

6.) People that try to chat with me on the airplane - Brave.

7.) Itchy thin socks - The work of the devil - or at least a side project of one of his minions.

8.) Chopsticks - Handy for separating the men from the boys.

9.) Cantaloupe - Worst fruit EVER.

10.) Tim Gunn - Spectacular, Snazzy and Darling. If I met him on the street he would probably yell at me for having all of my clothes slightly out of place, but I love him anyway. Project Runway - season premiere November 14! check your local listings.