Notes from the front: Regarding online dating.

It is indeed a jungle out there. Online dating is certainly a Jumanji-style crazypants experience. This is the first time I’ve dated-dated in a long while, and it is quite a skill. I’ve misfired on timing, coyness, levels of aggression (says my friend at the office – do you really need an Alpha? You are really Alpha enough for the both of you…), pictures, outfits, drunkenness, location, oversharing, undersharing, paying for things, shoes, volume, and pretty much every other thing. But hey! It’s all about the learning. I figure my dating skills will equal my work skills at some point, and then watch out. These however, are a few of the things I know for certain:

What WILL get you a date with me:

1.) Be smarter than me.
2.) Be able to spell, for the love of God. I know Match.com doesn’t come with spell check and we are all prone to typos (me especially – as I can’t actually type my way out of a bag,) but at least show a decent command of the language.
3.) Care about something, anything…ANYTHING, in a big way.
4.) Have a sense of humor, points if it’s twisty.
5.) Tell me how you are screwed up – I’ll certainly tell you how I am. It’s a big list, and not frankly, always at the tip of my tounge, but it keeps me interesting.

Note - however - if you have facial hair and glasses, and hit at least one of the qualities above, let’s face it - you’re probably getting a date with me anyway. Yup, I’m a sucker.

I don’t know about the other ladies out there, I’m not them, but the following things WILL NOT land you a date with me:

1.) Consistent misuse of the apostrophe in our written “conversations.”
2.) Any username that refers to a professional sports team (dabears1964? Sorry) or astrology (AstroGuru72? Yeah – sorry)
3.) Pictures that glorify your days as a fraternity brother.
4.) You live hundreds of miles away – really? You’re “winking” at me? No.
5.) Making me send you a thousand vaguely chatty emails before anything gets interesting. Sorry – I bore easily online and in life.
6.) Asking me nothing other than what bars I like.
7.) Trying to impress me with the amount of money you make. I don’t value that. Go to Lincoln Park and find yourself a tiny blonde with a Coach bag. She will like your money a whole bunch.

So – at least I’ve got this part figured out.