This is the FINAL JOY of 2007

Here is some joy. It is random and multi tiered. I seem to have blinded myself by falling asleep in my contacts last night - to that end, please forgive me flagrant typos and grammatical errors - any more than usual at least.

Joy Part 1!
Go here. Watch this. I can't embed it, because I'm a needy incompetent woman.
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/zeropunctuation/2716-Zero-Punctuation-Guitar-Hero-III (thanks Pelki!)


Joy Part 2!



Feel free to mock me. That said - it's the BFFs Uncle Billy's Birthday today. he likes this too - so I feel like I'm DOUBLE allowed to qualify this as joy.

Joy Part 3!
Did I mention that today is the last day of 2007? I don't know about you but I am DONE with this year. I believe that 2007 kicked my ass. I am intending to take my ass kicking vengeance out on 2008.

Joy Part 4! (OH MY LORD THERE IS SO MUCH JOY!!)
Panda Cam!

Joy Part 5! The final frontier

Most of the time I write about myself on this blog, and I appreciate that you read it. As we depart 2007, here is a list of things that I am proud of, grateful for, happy about for this year that are all about you!

1.) There was a new baby! (cutest baby EVER! but I'm biased)Love you guys.

2.) Somebody I adore graduated from nursing school in true rockstar fashion and looked fabulous the whole time. Thank you. For everything - you are stellar and inspiring.

3.) Someone I know used a hazer and approximately two lighting instruments left over from 1972 to do a simply stunning show. See!

Nicely done sir. Thanks for the armwarmers :) You are remarkable.

4.) The work ladies. You know who you are. You all saved me this year. In more ways than I can articulate. Thanks to each and every one of you for being interesting, smart, kind, supportive, patient with me, and lovely as all hell. Both with my personal life, and with that beast we call work.

5.) This guy. You are awesome and I am proud of you.

6.) My DC friends, you also know who you are. Simply, thanks.

7.) This lady - who in unfailingly encouraging, supportive and fun, and whose happiness brings me great joy.


8.) Pelki and the man. Thanks for showing up and being snarky.

9.) Nougat. Who came through in the clutch on a really hard day. Thanks.

10.) A fabulous friend of mine got to quit her job and go on tour! I like you! Lobsters!

11.) This lady. Isn't she pretty?

12.) That lady's man - thanks for carrying my luggage upstairs when I needed it most.

13.) Vacation, the time to take it, and a good friend to take it with.

14.) Lewis at Perfect Laundry - who can always get me out of a jam.

I'm sure that there are more, but I'm stopping here but for this last one - thank YOU! yeah you. For checking in here every one in awhile, reading things, and occasionally having something to say. A very happy new year to you and yours.

Things I will never be naieve enough do again....

1.) Trust any alcoholic beverage that is a color that doesn't occur in nature.

2.) Take Communion

3.) Eat Oysters

4.) Fly with a layover when there is any other option.

5.) Give the kitten a dip in sulfuric solution while wearing short sleeves. Or anything less than kevlar.


Ow.

In Egg Shell Seas Day-o

I will take this moment to post a magical vegas photo and wish you all a very merry Christmas! A lovely holiday, of your choosing, to you and yours.

Wait - did you miss some JOY?!?

Yeah. I'm late. Sorry. you'll live. Merry impending holiday!

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

We did personality testing at work the other week. Typically - I enjoy such exercises, and am rarely surprised by the results (for you Meyers-Briggs fans out there I'm an ENTJ - I believe that personality type boils down to, soulless, but can deliver.)

Last time out we did something different - DiSC Training, which stands for Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Conscientiousness.

I share with you now - my DiSC profile.
________________________________________
I have the "Inspirational Pattern"

Emotions: Accepts aggression, downplays need for affection.

Goal: Control of their environment or audience.

Judges others by: Projection of personal strength, character, and social power.

Influences others by: Charm, direction, intimidation, use of rewards.

Value to the organization: Acts as a "people mover," initiates, demands, compliments, disciplines.

Overuses: Attitude that "the ends justify the means."

Under Pressure: Becomes manipulative, quarrelsome, belligerent.

Fears: Weak behavior, loss of social status.

Would increase effectiveness through: Genuine sensitivity, willingness to help others to succeed in their own personal development.
______________________________________

I'm not going to get into the rest of the description now - it's three paragraphs long and is probably more than you want to know about me. Highlights include"astute at identifying and manipulating an individual's existing motives in order to direct that person's behavior toward a predetermined end" and "people often feel a conflicting sensation by feeling drawn to Inspirational people and yet being curiously distanced"

Granted - this is how your personality is at the office - not at home or in personal relationships where it can change** but I believe what I learned most from this excercise is that I missed my calling as a cult leader.

**those of you that know me personally - you have my permission to roll your eyes knowingly at this post. That said, I'm pretty sure I'm not as evil yet tasty at home as they say I am at work. If so - sorry if you feel curiously distanced from me :) - perhaps this explains my enduring singleness.

Need a lovely gift for those special people in your life?

Just for the hell of it

Olly olly oxen JOY!!!

Happy Monday. This is for you.

SPOON!

Lunchtime. Rambling. Tuesday.

So - I'm eating my lunch with a baby spoon today as our office does not keep utensils around and it was the only thing I can find. Sadly - chili does not lend itself to ladylike behavior when eaten with fingers.

It occurs to me that the maraschino cherry - a slightly hot topic of late - would fit quite well in a baby spoon...and in a manhattan...but I digress.

We started putting the tree up last night and it made me think of my mother who had great affection for all disgusting food products of the 70's.

To that end I bring you...

Horrifying "foods" and "beverages" of the 70's that are qualified as excellent by my befuddled parents.
Hey Brotherman - feel free to play along!

1.) Deviled Ham

2.) Port Wine Cheese Spread

3.) Raw Cauliflower (okay - probably not just 70's related, but I can't shake the association)

4.) Vienna Sausages

5.) Canned Asparagus (see "Raw Cauliflower")

6.) The Harvey Wallbanger

7.) Blue Nun

8.) Gherkins/ Pistachio Flavored Instant Pudding (tie)

9.) Rumaki

10.) Creme de Menthe

I can't that the universe for much, but I can thank it for making me a halfway decent cook given the history here. I've got that going for me, which is nice.

hey...look there in the sky...it's some JOY!

I think we should move easily into our joyous weeks. So - I'm gonna start you off nice and mellow. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm thrilled to welcome back to the stage, Mr. Martin Sexton!



If you're not feelin' Marty...
Well - here's a picture of a lady in a whole bunch of hat.

Yikes.

Feel some joy that that's not on YOUR head.

Ten more things I know....

1.) Many things can be improved with the addition of a maraschino cherry.

2.) If you want to express displeasure to/at someone while giving them no actual insult to report and therefore letting you dissappear with the last word while they are left inarticulate and stunned, saying "Jesus loves you" in just the right tone of voice does very nicely.

3.) It would be great fun if the fortunes in fortune cookies exploded into a hail of fire after you read them.

4.) Some men ARE in fact brave enough to show up outside the window to my apartment at 2:00am on a school night. (this particular gentelman was unlucky enough to have me go all Tennessee Willaims on his ass from my third floor three flat window, but I digress...)

5.) If you put a hot turkey in a beer cooler for an hour, it will be piping hot when you remove it. Who knew? Thanksgiving is saved!

6.) It is in fact possible to successfully sport a cocktail dress and chain mail at a five-star hotel.

7.) "The Muppets Greatest Hits" on your ipod is always a crowd pleaser. Especially when it's on shuffle.

8.) Legwarmers are awesome.

9.) There is a special kind of irony in going out for a 30 minute run and screwing up your back badly enough that you spend the whole next day on the couch eating tiny slices of leftover birthday cake.

10.) There is great joy in cooking something for the first time and having it proclaimed "equally as good as my grandma's" by a friend. thanks boo!

Mudballs are FUN!

It's mud. And art. Super cool.

oh JOY...for Monday that is....

Welcome to your week. This is for you.



and THIS is for you...



and lastly...this is for you too! See how I give :)

The joy is back! I know - I'm a slacker

Hi Everyone! Sorry there has been no joy. First I went to Vegas, then I had to spend a week catching up (read - in a conversation with myself about unpacking and what the maximum acheivable level of hungover could be), then I got all busy - but now I'm BACK!

first up - here's some joy...

This is my new kitten. YAY! I rescued her from children who were trying to light her on fire. My karma is now back in check. Her name is Grendel aka The Great and Powerful Fennel...

Next up - here are some things that I learned in Las Vegas:

1.) Bourbon, stilettos, and cobblestone are a wicked combination requiring focus and ankle strength.

2.) The following thing does exist: a lesbian with too much frosted pink eyeshadow.

3.) It's worth paying the extra money for homemade salami (Thank you Mario Batali)

4.) You can, in fact, lose a chunk of money on penny slots.

5.) Tony Danza is still getting work, this time in The Producers. God save us.

6.) Apparently, the bulk of Americans think it is okay to go into the world in mis-matched sweats while on vacation. (no wonder everyone hates us)

7.) A tiny eclair with breakfast = joy!

I've only got seven today - but - keep your eye on this space and magical pictures will appear.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Excuse me sir - would you care for some JOY?

I'm going to Vegas this week. For fun. and not for work. (!!!)

In honor of that - this is for you. (and yes - I know that this was actually shot in Hawaii - give me a break on that part...thanks)

Yeah..theoretically it's sexist but...

I suspect that if I lived in a time that supported dressing like a pinup girl every day...I probably would. Dear god I love those shoes.

Ten things I love...a Broadway themed extravaganza. Let the mocking commence!

1.) Vintage Barbara Streisand

2.) Mandy Patinkin (His name is Inigo Montoya, you killed his father, prepare to die.)

3.) Les Miz

4.) Cherry Jones (you know who she is - you just don't know it)

5.) Into the Woods

6.) Sweeney Todd

7.) Jerry Orbach (Law and Order my ass)

8.) Funny Girl

9.) Jesus Christ Superstar

10.) Kevin Kline (Yeah - Kevin Kline. I'm not even going to humor you with a link here)

10.5) The first 5 minutes of 42nd Street

There's a bunch more, and I'm sure a few others that should be on this list - Urinetown? Avenue Q? Spring Awakening? And we won't even discuss my failure to see August: Osage County...

I am a bright and glorious ray of sunshine…

So – sorry to be all absent and non-posty. Big little meeting is all done with a minimum level of trauma and maximum level of exhaustion. Highlights included dinner at a barn and pumpkins full of candy as far as the eye could see. I believe the staff was in sugar coma for much of the meeting.

We’re taking bets on when I might get it together enough to haul my suitcase out of my trunk and up three flights of stairs. Anyone that had less than three days after the meeting has placed a losing bet. Sorry friends. Apparently I CAN go a week without wearing slacks to work.

I’m back now and certainly will have more deep thoughts to share, including the following.

Groundhog day:
Aka - Why life in the adult world sometimes requires a pile of blankets, a pint of ice cream, a bottle of wine, and a cat. Sadly – I still have no cat.

I am in the enviable position of knowing some amazing and spectacular people who I am blessed to call my friends. I was in the unenviable position last week of having to gently (hopefully) request that one of these remarkable souls give me some space so that I could recover from some, shall we say, distracting feelings of depth.

Apparently I was unclear on the “space” factor here, and in one of those rare moments that adulthood affords you to both feel terrible AND SIMULTANEOUSLY inflict pain on others, I had to have a second-go-round of this conversation. Details aside, my timing on the first version wasn’t great, simply because it had to happen, and my timing on part deux was horrid - cosmic events coinciding to actually act as a fulcrum for the leverage of crappiness. YAY! I think my soul may have died a little bit this month.

So – I’m sure this isn’t very interesting for you, but it brings me back to a business idea from my late 20s…consider it patented.

I am of the opinion that every city needs the following establishment for those of us folk who are basically flying solo through the universe. When there is nowhere to go for the comforts of home or when the comforts of home never quite existed in the first place.

It’s a hotel (of course) somewhere within driving distance and preferably both in the woods and on the water.

You call a number (this is only the actual action that must be taken on your part).

The hotel comes to pick you up in a nice sedan where you can sleep in the back, then they check you in and give you flannel pajamas, fuzzy slippers, a tooth brush, the whole nine yards. You hand them your calendar and they get you out of whatever it is you have somehow committed yourself to be doing. Do you need to pack anything? Nope! You just call and they come get you. When you get there, your room consists of a giant couch, a fluffy bed, a big tv, and is all sort of old and rumply with a whole bunch of blankets. From room service you can order crappy magazines, pets, bottles of whatever, pints of ice cream, yoga teachers, gallons of diet coke, music, playdough, books… you get the idea. Every day is mandatory nap time from 2:00pm-4:00pm. Dinner is served every night at 8:00pm at the big table, where no one is cranky with you for being not so talky. Then after three days, or when you are theoretically able to see the light at the end of your tunnel again, they drive you home.

And they have cleaned your apartment while you are gone.

And preferably done your laundry.

I think this establishment would be a great service to society, and should in fact be covered by health insurance.

If I figure out how to make it happen, you will be the first to know. In the meantime, I’ve got some laundry to do.

I suspect I will be wearing my suspenders of funny again in the near future, so just keep an eye on the space. I promise you, if nothing else, Joy for Monday…

Preemptive joy strike!

I'm heading to a meeting - won't be around over the weekend. SO - this is for you - joy in advance. Watch it now - or save it 'till next week. the call is yours.

Now - I have more lunch to order.

Be well. I'll be back soon...

CRAZY JOY!

Heppy forthcoming Monday. There is no video here - don't be afraid. Your computer still works.

Best Nobel prize shout-out ever...

If I were ever to win such a thing - I'd like something like this

And while I'm at it, I learned somethin new today:

Testosterone builds the length of the fourth (right) digit in the womb. The longer your ring finger (in relation to your pointing finger) the more you are likely to have mathematical, mechanical and/or musical skills.

Ah - the interwebs, What a gift they are. Thanks Al Gore!

Haiku Friday!

Dishes are quite done.

Joy for the doneness of dish!

Lobsters are funny.

Someday you'll find it.

The Rainbow Connection.

Rainbows are trite, though.

Gnomes do not exist.

This is a grave error.

Stupid God you fail.

Men. Great and evil.

Thee to a nunnery.

Safe, mais ennuyeux.

Bananas are gross.

gross gross gross gross gross gross gross.

gross gross gross gross gross.

All I want for Christmas...

New Feature! Problem of the week...

How are you? How's it going out there in the world? Everything treating you okay? North Carolina? Delaware? Chicago? England? I sure hope so - because if you are taking the time to read this little space, the least I can do is care a bit about how things are going on planet you...

Everything's treating me pretty much alright. Had a couple of ups and downs of late. The downs are piling up a tad bit, so rather than try to fix all of them at once - I'm going to selfishly use this venue to declare and attempt to solve my problem of the week...

This week it is (drumroll please) SMOKING!

Yes ladies and gentlemen - I have fallen off the three year old wagon. I actually slowly slid off of the wagon, holding onto it's rusty bumper with the index finger of my left hand, while putting my annual meeting up - and now I'm kind of fucked.

Yes - cumulative smoking makes me feel crappy, but the flip side is I really like to smoke.

I could, in fact write a little ditty about all of the joys that smoking brings me, I will instead say the following. I'm going out to see one of my favorite bands tonight, and when I wake up tomorrow - I'm going to not be smoking.

Siiiiiiigh.

Has to be done though - I will greive a little bit for the smoking I do. I will possibly be able to make the transition from non-smoking smoker - to actual non-smoker. shut up Boo.

So toss me a cigarette - I think there's one in my raincoat.

I'll see you kids tomorrow.

It's Monday eve - let there be JOY!

This is for you...I think it's delightful. Below - another version with Yo Yo Ma. Which is both fun to say AND type. How many things can you say that about?

Joy! Version 2

I got this off of the work camera today...

And no. I don't work at one of THOSE places. My office may be more interesting than I originally thought.

Who wants to start the day off right?

You need a kick in the ass? Feeling a little slow? Let's begin our day with this...shall we? I'm feelin some Beatles. Let's all have a great day!

And be careful out there :)

JOY! here's some joy already. Calm down.

I have not forgotten you. Better joy may follow later. enjoy.

Non Sequitur time! Ten random thoughts…

1.) If I were given the choice of being plucked to death by birds or being locked in a house with Bjork and Vincent D’Onofrio - I would honestly be torn about which was the most horrifying.

2.) When you are a woman in your early 30s and you tell people you don’t want children, they seem to think you are kidding. Or lying to yourself.

3.) I like black.

4.) And cupcakes.

5.) And fishnet stockings.

6.) I hope that when I am old, I have awesome flannel pajamas. And a porch for dancin’.

7.) I’m not entirely sure that ALL of the seven holy virtues are a good idea. Just generally speaking – I’m thinking at least one or two should come off of the list.

8.) If I was Dale Chihuly I would blow a set of glass eyes to match my various outfits.

9.) The genetic lottery can be a bitch some days.

10.) When adulthood is not awesome, it can be a real pain in the ass.

Holla for Monday! Let's bring on the joy...of hungarian sausages...

I bet you thought I forgot about you. I have close to three whole hours left in Monday - so I'm counting this joy as on time, but just under the wire. So cut me some slack will ya. Yeah -I know you had to spend all day at work joy-free. BUT now you've kind of got extra joy for Tuesday....

Sincerely,

Abe Froemann, the Sausage King of Chicago

Jokey McJokerson Says....

So this penguin is driving cross country during a hot summer, when his car breaks down. Fortunately, he rolls to a stop right next to a gas station. The attendant says he'll check it out, and suggests that the penguin waddle across the street to a convenience store, where it's cool.

So he does. Inside he gets a bowl of vanilla ice cream, eating it rather clumsily, seeing as how he doesn't have hands. When he is done, he waddles over to the service station.

The mechanic looks up from his car and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin says, "Nah, it's just vanilla ice cream."

ba dum bum...old joke. Copied it off of Weingatern's chat though - so thank's to him for typing it up.

So it does not go unsaid...

YAY!!!!! Fall has entered the building. Best season EVER! Totally kicks the asses of the other seasons. For those of you that are well educated, please imagine that I have said something slightly more eloquent, possiblty a double dactyl or haiku in honor of the season.

thank you.

Joy for Monday! Ladies and gentlemen - I give you...Martin Sexton

This is a relatively crappy video. He is however, the best live show I have ever seen. I don't think this completely does him justice, but it's worth a listen to...and I'm out of apocalyptic ponies and mermaids. So this is the Joy you're gonna get today.

Speechless...

This has saddened me in a slightly surprising way.

Ten things I'm really really bad at...

I'm good at many things, if I do say so myself. Experience and time have proven this true. The flip-side of this equation is that in those areas at which I have no skills - I'm really quite appallingly bad. Far more incompetent than the average bear.

Here are ten of the many things at which I simply suck.

1.) Laundry

2.) Catching (and its sibling - throwing)

3.) Waiting

4.) Geography (I used to date a man who mockingly called me "Magellan" I was so horrifying.)

5.) Gardening

6.) Math more complicated than very simple algebra.

7.) Parking

8.) Carpentry and electrical things. (I consider this a great tragedy. I can occasionally prove to be a halfway decent plumber though.)

9.) Putting away tupperware

10.) Riding a bicycle. (oddly - I find cyclists fascinating - but won't get on a bike)

There are more - but ten is enough for one day - don'tcha think?

Feel free to guess what the others may be!

Joy for Monday! Redux...

Forgive me Father for I have sinned....

Yeah - I posted something from The Little Mermaid. I was drunk. And my blood sugar was crashing. I will however confess that I do know more of the words to that song than I should. What can I say.

Anyway - perhaps Foamy can be the picked ginger in the sushi platter that is Buckets of Glitter. Enjoy.

Joy for Monday!

You know you heart this :)

Well - Happy Freaking Birthday!

You know who you are - so I wish you the following...

1.) Horses

2.) Pirates

3.) Art!

4.) Billy Joel

5.) People that aren't sucky

6.) BLUE CRUSH!

7.) Bourbon

8.) Cheese and Crackers!

9.) Excellent Socks

10.) Great joy and happiness :)

Happy Birthday - It's been a long damn time.

I'm home sick...would you like some JOY?

Ugh. I'm at home. The doctor tells me I have a "bad cold." Helpful.

Anyway - there is no actual reason to post this. I have no idea what to make of it - but it's totally worth watching. For you...enjoy.

Monday is here. and so is the JOY!

What says welcome to your week better than a little musical comedy? And dancing with raincoats - don't forget that.

Insert witty title here that makes sense of Alice, sauce, Pandora, ugly shoes, hot dogs and Seinfeld.

So- I've surprisingly been having a less than stellar few weeks out here in the wilds of my life. I seem to have jacked up/misplaced my chi. Have you seen it? I could have sworn it was right there.

Last year I opted to figure out what an adult female was supposed to do with these strange things called feelings. Apparently the box I was keeping them in, lo these many years, used to be owned by Pandora. Then there were the few months I put them BACK in the box (it's a damn handy box to have) so that I could turn into a bionic working machine, subsisting on coffee, spinach, and the Starbucks Reduced-Fat Turkey Bacon Breakfast Sandwich. In hindsight, this progression of events was, while unavoidable, not one of the best ideas I ever had.

I've been stunned to discover that I'm now paying the piper, trying to emotionally catch up. Stupid piper. What's interesting (...frustrating...agonizing...ridiculous) to me is that catching up when you are behind on the feeling isn't as simple as catching up on laundry - you can't dedicate a whole day to it, drop off your drycleaning, and merrily go on with your life. It's more like making sauce. Not something you can rush, or do well with bad equipment, or neglect while you're doing other things. One must simply put it all in the pot and stir constantly until you have dinner. Dammit.

My advice to you, should you ask, is if you willingly peer into the looking glass and choose to step through, don't underestimate the length or depth of that trip. The journey back from behind it is a long one, and it needs a bunch of gear.

Fortunately, I have NOT misplaced my "funny." So I'm at least having an amusing trip along the way....

Case in point...one of the frequent ways I'm described is "that Heather - she can get things DONE!"

Here is the VERY SIMPLE list of things that I could not get done over labor day weekend:

1.) Bought cat stuff, could not procure cat from two different locations (potentially averting a murderous rage in England)

2.) Got pulled over on the way home from the cat debacle. Could not get out of ticket. Cop was condescending and mean despite my inappropriately low cut shirt.

3.) Later, went to buy a book - which they did not have at the bookstore.

4.) Then, went to the movies - where I was informed that the AC was out, just in my theatre. As it was pushing 100 degrees out here, decided to go home instead and get a hot dog for lunch and buy some shoes.

5.) All of the shoes were ugly.

6.) Hot dog place was closed.

7.) Walked to the bakery for hot dog buns - closed.

8.) Walked to the grocery store for same buns - closed.

FINALLY managed to procure some freaking buns at the second grocery store.

By the time I got to the AC at the movie theatre - I had just given up and decided I was living someone else's life over the weekend - like a bad Seinfeld episode. Hilarious.

Granted - also infuriating - but really - hilarious.

Man - when the universe is going to smack you upside the head with a two-by-four, it really likes to go for it.

Joy? .....for Saturday

This song...lovely.The video treatment here is a little on the precious side...but apparently the snark of depth has left me for a bit. I'm sure it will be back soon. I promise I'll get funnier as the week progresses.

Hmmm - perhaps we should just all smoke then...

Butter flavor possible cause of lung disease

9/04/2007-According to an AP report, a doctor at Denver's National Jewish Medical and Research Center has written to federal regulators that they may have the first case of a consumer who developed lung disease from the fumes of microwaving popcorn several times a day for years.

It was just one case and the doctor cautioned that they cannot be sure that the patient's exposure to butter-flavored microwave popcorn from daily heavy preparation has caused his lung disease. However, there is currently no other plausible explanation, according to the doctor.

The lung disease was first noticed in workers who make flavorings or use them to produce microwave popcorn. Production workers employed by flavoring manufacturers (or those who use flavorings in the production process) often handle a large number of chemicals, many of which can be highly irritating to breathe in high concentrations.

Diacetyl has been used as a butter flavor ingredient for several years and is approved for this use by the Food and Drug Administration. It has been the subject of lawsuits by workers at food factories exposed to the flavoring.

Butter flavors used in microwave popcorn generally contain significantly more diacetyl than other types of flavors because of consumer preference, and microwave popcorn manufacturing and preparation processes.

The Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association issued a statement Tuesday recommending that its members reduce "to the extent possible" the amount of diacetyl in butter flavorings they make.

Because I can...joy for THURSDAY!

Hello friends - extra bonus joy here! Not safe for work because of the naughty words. Well- REALLY not safe for work if you work somewhere that likes god a lot. Other than that you're doin okay.



Thanks to Nougat for the tip off.

Deep Thoughts: Happiness is ...finding your skate key

So - last week Authorblog asked - what makes you happy? Interesting, complicated question that. I read that post and dismissed it but it's been plucking at the back of my head. Like a tiny tenacious chicken on my shoulder. My knee jerk reactions were pretty simple - Tom Waits and a good bourbon, board game night, a great road trip, a well-executed event, some good lovin' - you get the drift - easy answers - technically all things that I enjoy - but are they the things that make me happy?

What's been interesting to learn the longer I rolled this one around in my head is that what makes me happy, is a day, an hour, a moment - of contentment. This is steeped in irony as "contentedness" is actually on the "Miscellaneous List of Things that I Hate" (yeah - that really exists.) There is a very fine line between the two. Contentedness, as I know it, implies long term settling, not moving forward, not risking growth. Conversely, a moment of contentment, is earned, at least for me. Having all of the other daily needs, cares, demons in your life and your head put to bed for a period of time, however brief and by whatever means. To use a spectacularly average cliche, a moment to really stop and smell the roses. The real happiness is not in Tom Waits and bourbon, but that you can take the time to wallow in it, good lovin' is great (YAY!) - but transcendent is the moment of lying in the arms of a man who is both your lover and trusted friend.

So - the happiness for me - is not only the great moment, but having earned the ability to relish while it lasts. Happiness, not so much a state of being, but something to be captured in the net.

We'll see what the chicken makes me do next.

Monday is here...and so is the JOY!

Hide your children.

Ten things I feel like judging today...

So - today I was digging around in my office and I found a Meyers Briggs test that I took in college. It says that in 1992 I was a ENTP - (Extravert/Intuitive/Thinker/Perceiver). I am NOW I know from having to had to retake the test a few times, an ENTJ - all of the same as above, but the last one is "Judger." heh. I'm not sure what that says about me, but I'm going to put my extra-judginess to use for the greater good.... here you are.

The hammer of judgement falls again...

1.) Cashmere/silk blends - mmmmm, fuzzy.

2.) Dismissiveness - Highly underrated.

3.) Dim Sum Delivery - Awesome, and dangerous.

4.) Manheim Steamroller - Ugh. why? WHY?

5.) Rachel Ray - Potentially the most annoying woman on the planet.

6.) People that try to chat with me on the airplane - Brave.

7.) Itchy thin socks - The work of the devil - or at least a side project of one of his minions.

8.) Chopsticks - Handy for separating the men from the boys.

9.) Cantaloupe - Worst fruit EVER.

10.) Tim Gunn - Spectacular, Snazzy and Darling. If I met him on the street he would probably yell at me for having all of my clothes slightly out of place, but I love him anyway. Project Runway - season premiere November 14! check your local listings.

Coffee?

Hope your weekend is spankin' grand.

Thanks to Advertising is Good for You

Ten books I have not read...

Given that I have a double major in both English Lit and Theatre Performance, I have no idea how this happened...

1.) Coriolanus, William Shakespeare
2.) The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger
3.) Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Edward Albee
4.) 1984, George Orwell
5.) The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera
6.) Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
7.) The Jungle, Upton Sinclair
8.) A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole
9.) The Sandman, Neil Gaiman (series)
10.) Marat/Sade, Peter Weiss

HOWEVER – here are ten things I have read, many more than once (granted, some are more embarrassing than others). Feel free to mock me at your leisure…

1.) Harry Potter, 1-7, J.K. Rowling
2.) Good Omens, Neil Gaiman and Terry Prachett
3.) The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley
4.) Sex and the City, Candace Bushnell
5.) The Cider House Rules, John Irving
6.) Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café, Fannie Flagg
7.) Wicked, Gregory MacGuire
8.) It’s Not About the Bike, My Journey Back to Life, Lance Armstrong
9.) A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers
10.) Zodiac, Neal Stephenson

Joy for Monday! - just under the wire....

I bet you thought I had forgotten about you...Don't worry.It's Monday. I remembered. Have a juicy week! This is from Robot Chicken. Enjoy.

I'm sittin in a railway station...

So - I'm headed home to the land where I'm from this weekend. Not looking forward to it. Have some nasty personal business to conduct. Home for me was Washington, DC. Now it's Chicago. People occasionally comment that DC is such a great city and question me on why I left. There are a thousand reasons, but perhaps none as telling as the video below.

The musician in the piece is one of the world's preeminent violinists. The station is one of the busier metro stations in downtown DC.

I - for the life of me can't get the video to embed here...so check it out below. This is also from a story by Gene Weingarten at the Washington Post. I seem to be referencing him a few times this week. I blame his damn cat.

Stop and Hear the Music

A relatively sleepless night.....and random thoughts

So - again - I can't sleep. Stupid life. Any number of things could be keeping me awake - I will not bore you with the details...today anyway (hell - I'm not even sure I know what the details are - if you can figure it out- could you please let me know? And, if you are looking for the Joy - it's here - just scroll down. You can do it!) Instead I give you this...

from www.foundmagazine.com

Did you laugh? I hope so. I sure did. That's a bit scary though, as yes, it is in fact a tirade on rock, paper, scissors. Apparently I'm getting easier to amuse as I age. I probably would have found this even more amusing if it had in fact been written all piratey and alluded to One Eyed Willy.

If you don't know who One Eyed Willy is, I'm a little sad for you. you have the powers of google to figure it out...

I'm going to go make some tea now.

Cartoon , B. Kilban. Thanks to chertiozhnik for the reference...

Something NOT related to joy...but related to Ice Cream!

Yeah. I'm a slacker. Been posting nothing but joy of late...so for no reason other than the BFF said to (see how obedient I can be?) Here you have...

A Guide to Ice Cream Flavors as an Emotional Buoy....

1.) When you are carrying your trash down three flights of stairs in August and the bag breaks because you over-cinched it - Orange Sherbet, Vanilla ribbon.

2.) When it's Christmas time and you have been stuck in the mall for too long and it's REALLY HOT and you hate everyone because they are walking too slowly and they should just get the hell out of your way. - Peppermint Stick in a Waffle Cone. Bourbon Chaser.

3.) When it's 3:00am and you've been up watching a movie marathon of Heathers and Rear Window. - Any flavor as long as it's eaten out of the carton.

4.) When you're in a situation where you MAY find yourself eating the ice cream off of someone - Dulche de Leche or Vanilla (tie).

5.) After Sunday Brunch - Sherbet, Lime or Raspberry.

6.) When it's a hundred million degrees out and you are WAY too hot and cranky, so cranky that you just want to whine like a five year old, despite your advanced age. - Vanilla soft serve, cake cone, rainbow sprinkles.

7.) With bananas foster - NOTHING! NO ICE CREAM goes with the loathed banana! Why would you take such a lovely dessert and ruin it by adding something as disgusting as a banana?

8.) When you have a sore throat, and you are on your couch, and all you want is sweet sweet relief from the horrifying pain of your illness - Popsicles - Green or Red. (Yeah - it's not ice cream - but dairy is bad for a sore throat. so there.)

9.) After the bad day. You know the bad day. the one where something big falls apart - your job, your love, your sanity, or a combination of the three. - Praline Pecan. Bourbon Chaser. Fuzzy Slippers.

10.) On your Birthday - Any flavor you like - as long as it comes with a cake and presents (and in my case - Turkey, as a little cuspy Sagittarius baby) Who doesn't like cake and presents? I know that YOU like cake and presents. Later - stay tuned for my dissertation on punch and pie.

It's Monday Eve - Might I interest you in some joy?

Okay - so I could make some comment about kitlers (Kitty Hitlers) or cats that resemble cows(all as mentioned from Gene Weingarten at the Washington Post - this is his daughters cat) but all I really can say is...wow...this is the cutest cat ever. I hope your soul feels a bit warmer and a wee bit more joyful :) Have a lovely day!

Joy for WEDNESDAY!!!

Yep - for Wednesday! See how I'm a giver? Extra bonus joy. Muppet themed, and potentially not entirely safe for work. Turn your sound down...

Ten Noises I Loathe

Hello all - I'm still in the snarky place, but thought perhaps you'd like something a bit more interesting than a picture. I may also post a picture of something later, but you will just have to wait and see...now won't you. Yeah I know - I suck.

Here are - Ten noises I loathe, for your reading pleasure...

1.) People eating cereal and milk

2.) Heavy breathers on a conference call.

3.) The squaking of tropical birds (times six if it's inside)

4.) The sound of wheezing while talking.

5.) Bad Nextel transmission.

6.) Gum cracking.

7.) The bass of music you are not listening to.

8.) Color Scrollers.

9.) George Bush Speaking. About anything.

10.) Techno.

One of the most beautiful chidren's books ever...

Just because I'm feeling all sharey....This is one of the pages from Kit Williams' Masquerade. Should you ever find yourself in the library, or at my house actually as I still have my copy, pick it up and take a look through. Stunning. And it has rabbits too - if you like that sort of thing.

Monday's a comin...bring on the JOY!

Yeah - ya'll though I forgot about you with the not writin' and stuff. I'm soon to be back on the horse, the climb up the Cliffs of Despair is taking a bit longer than I anticipated. Ah well. Monday and joy are here for you nonetheless. Let's give it up for the Nicolas Brothers...with a special dedication to our friends in England :)

I'm appalled, and yet intrigued

I have no idea what to make of this....

Joy for Monday! Part two

Wow! A two parter (granted - the two parts are basically unrelated but I think you are man enough to take it). Soon - I may return to actual writing, now that all signs point to me having my life back.

So- second part of the joy is here. It's totally SFW but vaguely offensive in other ways. It is a pdf, so just know that before you go clicking on things. clicker. you. what would your mother say. you should be ashamed of yourself......

Elegant bread lamb is my favorite. yikes.

Joy for Monday! Part one

Let's give it up for Gordon Macrae. Happy Monday! Bring on a week of joy.

Welcome to Sunday....

I'm feeling a little bit lazy today - I'm going to let Johnny Cash and the Muppets do my work for me.

Enjoy.

Speaking of Frogs! I bring you - Stuff in my house

Hello and welcome to our newest feature - Stuff in my house. Here is an exciting collection of things on the porch. From left to right...Colonel Relish, Belvedere Ferris, and Mr. Peepers joined by their friend the camel. Super creepy but also amusing, don'tcha think?

Have a super weekend!

Dirty or not? you be the judge....

Five things that you might not want to hear onsite at your Annual Meeting.

1.) "Double-booked with Lollapalooza"

2.) Any combination of the words "Headquarter Hotel" and "Norovirus"

3.) "Taxi Strike"

4.) Any combination of the words "Whole Building," "Water Pressure," and "Outhouse Conditions"

5.) "Slight load-bearing miscalculation"

It has been recommended that next year we sacrifice a goat.

I'm Back! BRING ON THE JOY!

Hello friends and strangers!

I have returned from my very long show and am relatively back in the world of the living. News from the front later. To give you a hint - there were 183 hours from last Wednesday until I left show site at 3pm yesterday. I worked 109 of them. But leadership was happy and the crew was still willing to take me out for a drink. or thirty it seems. So I consider that a success.

That said - here's some damn joy :) Have a great day.

We interrupt this programming...

Hi Friends and strangers...I'm going down the rabbit hole for a week. I expect to emerge a quivering ball of jelly. Please be gentle when I get back.

In the meantime...

Check out the blogroll over to your right.

Everything is broken

So I had a better picture to post here to launch a new feature (aren't you excited?!?!)but my web-enabled photo link is all screwed up at the moment. Boo. I give you this instead...

It sort of makes me think of the internal tagline we have selected for this meeting...

"Thank you sir, may I have another?"

In case you were curious...

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Joy for Monday! Bring on the pony!

This is me. Obviously one of my older photos. But who doesn't like a good pony and a fireman hat? If this is not joyous enough for you, well then, go here, and boogie a bit and thanks to mfink for the dancing cheese fairy. Dont worry - the cheese fairy is totally sfw.

Joy for SUNDAY! Hella yeah...

Well - I'm, again, at work today, so I thought I'd bring some joy early. I may have some joy for Monday too - but only time will tell.

This will make your day better. I have blatantly stolen the link from Chertiozhnik at nobodysfriend.blogspot.com...

It is, in fact, well worth the stealing. Grab your coffee, grab a seat, and just listen. THAT is the way to start a beautiful day...

Five things I said this week that might have been a little bit inappropriate…

1.) In a meeting of 75 staff members...
If someone is all “Waa.I’m important and I don’t know what to do about it”, send them to Kathy.

2.) In response to a colleague who is managing a project we are both working on, that I will not be involved with onsite...
When we get onsite – I freaking don’t care. It’s your problem.

3.) At the Fluevog store…
Yes! I will buy those $200 shoes.

4.) In response to a neighbor who came dashing out of his apartment to catch me at the end of a 14.5 hour workday...
I can’t care about your chairs right now – talk to the BFF. I have to go to sleep.

5.) In response to the director of one of our larger departments who asked me how I was doing..
Well – this meeting might kill me. But the last one killed my mother.

Work.

I have nothing interesting to share today.

So I leave you with this kid.

Be invincible! Rock your day like this kid does!You can do it!

Hell - Kato Kaelin still gets up every day and must do at least something interesting from time to time. You can too!

Photo courtesy www.foundmagazine.com

Kill the Queen!

Holy god am I tired. SOOO tired in fact, that in lieu of writing, I give you this. The part with the zombie and the pool cues - yeah. My entire day is sort of like being that zombie. As mfink tells us - this is YouTube, not one of those OTHER sites - so it's totally SFW.

Enjoy.

Ten things I know…

1.) If you accidentally ask a man with a hook if he “needs a hand”. Well intentioned or not, you will still feel badly about this ten years later.

2.) If you are sad, a really spectacular pair of striped socks can make you feel MUCH better.

3.) If you accidentally hit your acting teacher in the head with a snowball because your aim is soooo terrible – you will ALSO feel badly about that ten years later.

4.) There is a surprising sense of accomplishment in being able to make well-received fried chicken.

5.) Unicorns don’t actually exist but it would be REALLY COOL if they did.

6.) There is a speed limit on Lake Shore Drive.

7.) Only in the Midwest do you draw a bizarre look if you ask the waitron for fat-free salad dressing.

8.) Sometimes your life is beautiful enough that it’s proof that God exists, and simultaneously hard enough that it’s proof God hates you.

9.) Few things are as satisfying as a really good rocking chair.

10.) Your 30s really truly are better than your 20s.

Monday is coming. It's time for some JOY!

Cute! and Fluffy! Feel that joy!!!!!!

You're not buying it are you? I'm pretty much oozing evil at this point. I'm sure you can tell - but I want YOU to be happy and full of light. Why? Because I CARE. yep. About you!

All together now...

"I've got the JOY, joy, joy, joy

Down in my heart (Where?)

DOWN IN my heart (Where?)

DOWN IN my heart

I've got the JOY, joy, joy, joy

DOWN IN my heart (Where?)

DOWN IN my heart to STAY"

Hope that's not too catchy and all stuck in your head.

Have a great week!

Photo Courtesy of some other website I forgot to write down.

Ten words from times past I wish we still used regularly...

1.) Forsooth

2.) Simonize

3.) Paddy Wagon

4.) Blotto

5.) Gal Friday

6.) Ye

7.) Stockings

8.) Bayonet

9.) Golly

10.) Knockers

I don't have a catchy title today. Sorry. You can suffer. Or make one up all on your own.

So – as you all know who read this space – work is kicking my ass. I just put in a 14 hour day three weeks out from my annual meeting. I cannot even fathom what the next weeks will bring, My soul has detached from my body in a way where now all I do is work, sleep, and exercise.

All of my food is coming from Starbucks.

Needless to say sometimes these days I’m getting a weeeee bit loopy, especially during work. My filter is gone…I could potentially say anything.

During work I occasionally (okay frequently) IM my dearest friend, the BFF.

Today – I took a momentary break to catch up, and during the course reminded her of a lustily good cheese based snack treat that can be found at a place in Wisconsin. She thanked me – and this is what I I’md her in response.

2:26 PM
me:
giver
me
yes I am
and like me some cheese
mmm cheese
I likey my cheesy
cheesypalooza
dairy fairy
the end
by me

2:27 PM
BFF: you are losing your mind! WHOO HOOO!

me:
giver
and funny too
sadly branded too difficult to exist by my father
but he can't even chew without spitting food - so I care not so much!

BFF: hilarious

me: INSTEAD - CHEESECURDS AND JOY!

BFF: nice yes yes yes

me: and cupcakes!

me:
I will dance like the light on the wings of a fairy
for a mere dollar and some sanity

me:
what?
you insinuate I am not radiating joy?
and love?
and glittery goodness
pshaw!
I LOVE THE MEETING AND EXPO
LOOOOOOOVE it

me: don't miss my soul at all

2:30 PM
me:
would buy it back for two dollars
but I stopped taking a salary because I LOVE THIS MEETING SO MUCH!

Perhaps I should get a bit more sleep.

Ah well- good luck to you and whomever may be kicking your ass at the moment.

I’m going to have a drink now.

Ten things I feel like judging today....

1.) Rain...lovely.

2.) People in the Midwest trying to drive in the rain...potentially death inducing.

3.) Adults in a group...dumb as rocks.

4.) Jackson Pollack...eh.

5.) Fluffy little kittens...darling. (tasty?)

6.) The semi-colon...evil, and useless.

7.) Nerf...odd, but strangely compelling. and squishy!

8.) G.I. Jane...good bad.

9.) Braveheart...BAD bad.

10.) The Sacagawea Dollar...ridiculous, but golden and shiny.

And He said...let there be JOY! Welcome to Monday.

Okay - this picture - maybe more like awesomeness for Monday, not exactly joy, but this guy is AWESOME! Who doesn't want to be him? I hope your day kicks ass like this guy does.

I TOTALLY know what you did.

Hope you are having an excellent weekend!

Daddy's little girl...

So my dad. He's never been a chatty guy. Or real parental. But his intentions are good and he made lots of sacrifices to take care of my mom. Whether or not this was smart - well - water under the bridge at this point. Now that she's gone he's getting chattier and trying to be a bit more involved. Kudos to him.

Before I go further with this one, it bears to say that I'm 33 years old. Currently single, have been for a few years now after the amicable, albeit painful, demise of my last two year relationship. Sometimes being old enough to get into the right trouble and being able to take advantage of it is super fun! Sometimes, especially recently, this has been a bit of a drag.

So - I called my father twice on the fourth to wish him a happy holiday and see how he was doing, as he sounded a bit low. On the second of these calls - a full three minutes in, he asked if he might pry into my personal life. Wanted to know if I was with anyone, and I told him that I wasn't at the moment, generously gave him a few details of the last two years in manville.

He then said...

Dad: "You know, I was surprised that you managed to date and live with anyone for as long as you did given how difficult you are." And then he chuckled.

Me: Silence

Dad: "Well you took THAT better than I expected you to"

I'm now left with this question.

What the hell do you do when your own father, who put up with a lot during the course of his 35 year marriage, declares you untenable to men? And thinks it's funny?

You may send me your unwanted cats of any type. According to my father I might be taking care of them well into my old age, and it's always good to have a B plan.

Best Obituary Ever.

Count Gottfried Von Bismark

Ten things America came up with that I like...A photo gallery in celebration of your only summer federal holiday. Happy Fireworks!

Joy for Monday! You know you love the joy!

Awwww.....aren't they cute? Kissing is fun!