It’s Friday – I SHOULD be out. I have invitations to be out. With people I like. CHARMING PEOPLE. Whose company I enjoy. Instead – I am choosing to write. Why? Because I like to, because I want to and most importantly, because I choose discipline. Today.

I’m not great with disciplining myself. In my youth – I suffered no actual consequences for my actions, I could in fact, do pretty much whatever the hell I wanted. This has been true of my adulthood as well. No idea why, I can just get away with stuff because I assume that I can, because I have the rare ability to talk you (or exhaust you) into doing what I want. I’m not saying that I never had to pay a parking ticket, or suffer the slings and arrows of detention or late fees, but generally – I get my way. I use this tool professionally – hey hotel! Do what I say!
I do not use this power for evil. I use it for good – what I typically want is for the good of the whole (for which I am typically responsible) or to support a need of the other, or frankly, to save some damn time. In the end, this ability – brought by nature and grown by nurture-has left me in a place where I can get many things done veeeeery fast, but without much balance.

So! Assuming that I have a busy life, and many people with whom to engage, I am putting my personal priority now, on learning how to discipline myself. I think it may be the last remaining act of self-parenting. (at 36 – good lord – I certainly fucking hope so – but life is a tricky mistress)

Many say – Oh Heather! You are so disciplined! Yes – but not in the face of temptation. I can dodge temptation well, and the appearance of discipline comes from that. Yes, I have accomplished many things that people judge as “hard.” But – I have come to believe that true discipline is being able to confront temptation. We all need to dodge temptation to a point, but isn’t the really healthy thing to be able to walk into the belly of the beast and say “no”?

I think it is.

Oh, Heather – you’re too hard on yourself!

Really? No – I’m not. My standards are my standards, and what I have come to accept is that I expect more from myself. I might live just great up to your standards or average standards or acceptable standards, but not to mine, and living up to one’s standards is where the good, juicy life stuff comes from…is it not? I have come from farther (further?)*behind, but that does not change the finish line.

So – wish me luck. We’ll see how I do. Keep an eye out for more on the blog…

And if anyone out there has special requests, please drop a line. I’ll take any topic you give me. You can be a part of my big discipline party!**

*I always screw that up, English degree notwithstanding
**For those of you out there that went immediately to where you did with that last one.. not – not THAT kind of discipline party.

Deep Thoughts: Happiness is ...finding your skate key

So - last week Authorblog asked - what makes you happy? Interesting, complicated question that. I read that post and dismissed it but it's been plucking at the back of my head. Like a tiny tenacious chicken on my shoulder. My knee jerk reactions were pretty simple - Tom Waits and a good bourbon, board game night, a great road trip, a well-executed event, some good lovin' - you get the drift - easy answers - technically all things that I enjoy - but are they the things that make me happy?

What's been interesting to learn the longer I rolled this one around in my head is that what makes me happy, is a day, an hour, a moment - of contentment. This is steeped in irony as "contentedness" is actually on the "Miscellaneous List of Things that I Hate" (yeah - that really exists.) There is a very fine line between the two. Contentedness, as I know it, implies long term settling, not moving forward, not risking growth. Conversely, a moment of contentment, is earned, at least for me. Having all of the other daily needs, cares, demons in your life and your head put to bed for a period of time, however brief and by whatever means. To use a spectacularly average cliche, a moment to really stop and smell the roses. The real happiness is not in Tom Waits and bourbon, but that you can take the time to wallow in it, good lovin' is great (YAY!) - but transcendent is the moment of lying in the arms of a man who is both your lover and trusted friend.

So - the happiness for me - is not only the great moment, but having earned the ability to relish while it lasts. Happiness, not so much a state of being, but something to be captured in the net.

We'll see what the chicken makes me do next.