Stuff. Things. and Buckets of Glitter.

Ten Things I Know...

2010-04-25T15:48:00.005-05:00

1.) Having one ear clogged for multiple days is definitely one of the top ten annoying things that can physically happen. FINE I’ll go to the damn doctor.

2.) I’m still always surprised that I ever worked for the Navy, although I did get to eat lunch once with 3500 cadets at the Naval Academy. That was cool.

3.) Politics are exhausting, both personally and professionally.

4.) Scrabble would be more fun if you could also play Latin words.

5.) One cannot underestimate the importance of good signage.

6.) Sometimes you are too old/too professionally employed to dye your hair purple. Which is kind of a bummer. Because I’m currently craving this hair.

7.) The voice of Terry Gross is one of the supreme auditory experiences in life.

8.) If I ever need handicap tags, I’m totally going this route:

As an aside I still mourn the lost opportunity to ever have scooter race with the brotherman on my late mother’s electrified wheelchairs.

9.) One should always own a good hat.

10.) The happiest people on earth are not at Disney World. They are at Baconfest.

JOY for Monday...shhhh...it's a SECRET!

2010-04-25T14:37:00.001-05:00

I kept myself from making a really bad pun about cattle and eyes. You're welcome.

2010-04-05T23:00:00.007-05:00

So, when my fingers started spitting out words tonight (that would be an awesome superhero power, would it not?)it started as some strange, roamy thing about inspiration that was a tad sweet and mooshy…and it was all very odd, like I was Buffalo Bill in a skin suit. I’m not that girl, I’m inspired by beauty and art, and many other things that touch the human condition…but I am not a Blue Mountain Arts Card, mercifully so. The better word, the active word, the fire under your ass – sledgehammer to the problem word is …

Catalyze. To Catalyze. Catalyzing. Say it! See how it feels on your tongue…

Electric…yes?

TEN of the most CATALYZING things that have ever been said to me.

• Can’t.

• Well, if you don’t know where you are supposed to be, why don’t you just decide where you want to be?

• I tried to make it work with you.

• No.

• I decided long ago that you were on your own.

• Once time is gone, you can’t ever get it back.

• You gotta want it.

• Yes.

• Aren’t we a little bit old for that?

• Does it sound like a better life to follow your dreams, or to follow your fears? (thanks brotherman)

Some of these were from people I love, some from people who my life touched briefly, and some are from people who no longer are entitled to my time. One is from my third grade teacher. I thank them all for passing through. We never know what will spring us into action, but I'm eternally grateful for the random moment that reverberates, regardless of its genesis.

JOY! Monday! Before there was Law and Order....

2010-04-05T21:56:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling some Jerry Orbach today....

Hey Midwest! Here’s why you hate me.

2010-03-29T21:43:00.004-05:00

Are you from the east coast too? Mid-Atlantic region? New York perhaps? Sing along – you know the tune…

1.) I’m too loud

2.) I talk too fast

3.) I expect customer service that at least alludes to the fact that you are supposed to be PROVIDING me a SERVICE in any sort of efficient fashion, and am not afraid to tell you about it if I sense that you do not understand this. Not that you are my bitch – or that I will be mean – but if I have to wait fifteen minutes to get a glass of water or a check at your restaurant – I will find what I need and take care of it myself.

4.) I know every word to every song that Billy Joel recorded up to the Glass Houses Album and will sing along whenever given the opportunity.

5.) I merge in traffic with deft purpose and no sense of regret (we’re all in this together people – CHOOSE. MERGE. ON WITH IT.)

6.) I judge you for calling those round circles of bready things you make here “bagels” and “pizza,” respectively. They are neither. While I’m at it – I suggest: “chewy bread rings” and “bucket’o cheese.”

7.) I walk faster than you.

8.) I say what I mean and I mean what I say.

9.) I will stand in no lines that serve no purpose.

10.) I hate the Bears, the Cubs, the Sox, Chicago style hot dogs, St. Patrick’s Day, and all things from Ohio.

All of this said, I have adjusted to my status as the red headed step-child of the Midwest.

The thing is…I love LOVE love Chicago. I love this town. I might never feel 100% at home here, but I feel more at home in my life, in this freezing cold, far too hot, irritatingly slow, aggressively polite and inappropriately touchy city with no regard for personal space and some strange sweatshirt-applique fetish, than I ever did back east, despite the high quality seafood and general efficiency.

So – Chicago – Thank you. We might never see eye-to-eye on everything, and you might think I’m a rude-ass whore, but you’re my city, and I’m here to stay.

JOOOOY for Monday! Beware your Kitten Overlords

2010-03-29T21:00:00.004-05:00

Yeah - it's late...but it's still Monday. So shut up. I gave you Joy, didn't I? Cute, fluffy, flying space kitty joy. So calm down. Look at the flying kitty. You feel better now...don't you?

Image courtesy of cute overload

Joy for Monday!!! Creepy stuff from our youth theme continues

2010-03-14T20:22:00.001-05:00

Joy for Monday! Voodoo style...

2010-03-08T18:03:00.001-06:00

2010-03-05T22:07:00.003-06:00

It’s Friday – I SHOULD be out. I have invitations to be out. With people I like. CHARMING PEOPLE. Whose company I enjoy. Instead – I am choosing to write. Why? Because I like to, because I want to and most importantly, because I choose discipline. Today.

I’m not great with disciplining myself. In my youth – I suffered no actual consequences for my actions, I could in fact, do pretty much whatever the hell I wanted. This has been true of my adulthood as well. No idea why, I can just get away with stuff because I assume that I can, because I have the rare ability to talk you (or exhaust you) into doing what I want. I’m not saying that I never had to pay a parking ticket, or suffer the slings and arrows of detention or late fees, but generally – I get my way. I use this tool professionally – hey hotel! Do what I say!
I do not use this power for evil. I use it for good – what I typically want is for the good of the whole (for which I am typically responsible) or to support a need of the other, or frankly, to save some damn time. In the end, this ability – brought by nature and grown by nurture-has left me in a place where I can get many things done veeeeery fast, but without much balance.

So! Assuming that I have a busy life, and many people with whom to engage, I am putting my personal priority now, on learning how to discipline myself. I think it may be the last remaining act of self-parenting. (at 36 – good lord – I certainly fucking hope so – but life is a tricky mistress)

Many say – Oh Heather! You are so disciplined! Yes – but not in the face of temptation. I can dodge temptation well, and the appearance of discipline comes from that. Yes, I have accomplished many things that people judge as “hard.” But – I have come to believe that true discipline is being able to confront temptation. We all need to dodge temptation to a point, but isn’t the really healthy thing to be able to walk into the belly of the beast and say “no”?

I think it is.

Oh, Heather – you’re too hard on yourself!

Really? No – I’m not. My standards are my standards, and what I have come to accept is that I expect more from myself. I might live just great up to your standards or average standards or acceptable standards, but not to mine, and living up to one’s standards is where the good, juicy life stuff comes from…is it not? I have come from farther (further?)*behind, but that does not change the finish line.

So – wish me luck. We’ll see how I do. Keep an eye out for more on the blog…

And if anyone out there has special requests, please drop a line. I’ll take any topic you give me. You can be a part of my big discipline party!**

*I always screw that up, English degree notwithstanding
**For those of you out there that went immediately to where you did with that last one.. not – not THAT kind of discipline party.

Hello Monday, Pleased to make your acquaintance.

2010-02-21T13:00:00.001-06:00

You've probably see this. Watch it again.

Happy Monday!

Would you like to feel your soul today?

2010-02-17T18:18:00.002-06:00

I have no witty comment on this. It's worth your time, you should read it. Get a tissue first. And then read it anyway.

Joy. For. MONDAAAAAAAAAY.

2010-02-14T18:38:00.001-06:00

Here's a kitten and a puppy. Have a great week!

Things You Can't Post on Facebook: Neighbors Edition

2010-02-14T14:58:00.003-06:00

My downstairs neighbors are nasty. Their very old dog had to be put down. RIP adorable puppy, but it's worked out great for me, because now I never see them.

On Fat

2010-02-12T23:00:00.006-06:00

I’m fat.

I can feel you inhale…yes? It’s a strange (taboo?) thing to hear people say about themselves without a great swath of self loathing or compliment hunting. But it’s true. My BMI declares me overweight. This is not to say that I’m ugly or gross, or hideous, or unhealthy, or don’t take care of myself, or hate who I am, but…I’m fat.

Before we get any further, as it seems to bear…

I look like this:

And this:

And this:

As an aside, these pictures were all taken in the last eight months. I weigh within the same five pounds in all of them.

“FAT” fatfatfatfatfat. The word is so incredibly loaded. It has grown beyond its actual definition (from Merriam Webster: 1 : notable for having an unusual amount of fat) and into a slur, a vicious judgment, the last socially acceptable prejudice. It is one of the words you simply cannot hurl without injury.

You, assuming that YOU are not fat, probably know better than I do what people mean when they use this word, actually. Only very rarely is the word “fat” used in front of a fat person. I’ve been distanced from the social use and discussion of the word, and how it is used on the other side of the fence, where the thin people are, because I have spent, literally, my whole life overweight. It was one of the first two things I knew about myself: 1.) redhead (awesome), 2.) fat (ugh).

It’s an interesting context to grow up with because every part of your life happens through the filter of “Fat Girl.” Before you are anything, you are fat. You’ll have to take my word on that for the moment before I get around to exploring that topic here, which I eventually will. Suffice it to say that I was grew up under the care of a 6 foot, 600 pound narcissist with addiction issues who basically killed herself with her weight loss efforts and a man who did a really good job of running for cover and enabling this tragic slide. (But we watched a bunch of The Muppet Show, so that was cool.) Obvs, there’s some genetic stuff in there as well, but I’m gonna cut to the chase and say that with the combination of nature and nurture, I was kind of screwed before I even got started. I have always been a fat person, I have no memory of being anything other.

To meet me with my friends, you would likely refer to me as the fat girl (oh excuse me – large…heavy…big – and you might whisper it so as not to seem rude), and, frankly, I am, in the circles I travel. But that does not necessarily mean what you think it means, apologies to Fezig.

So – here’s the thing, I eat well, I exercise, I have kept close to fifty pounds of weight off for over ten years( a rarely accomplished feat, if I don’t say so myself). You’d never know these things to see me on the street, and that pretty much is what it is. I’m not the thinnest I’ve ever been right now, but I’m always fighting to get there without living a life that is focused on the concept of thin = happy, because that is fools gold. Could I exercise even more? Sure. Could I eat even better? Yeah. Do I sometimes lose the fight over my body’s irrational impulse to eat too much? Or crap? Or emotionally? Sure. I could work out for an hour seven days a week, and cook every single meal from scratch, rather than just the 95% I do now and give up the entire rest of my life in order to attain this one ideal.

Or I could preserve some time, and energy, and mental space for the people and the things that I love. Hitting the gym three times a week, not cooking every twelfth meal, and calling that a happy medium so that I can suck the marrow of joy from the rest of my life.

Am I perfect? Not by a long shot.
Am I happy? Yeah.
Am I lucky? Incredibly.

I can’t control how the world perceives me. That is a ridiculously unwinnable battle. I control my choices, and can really only judge myself from where I’ve come.

So – I’ll choose joy, and I’ll rock my fat ass, and I give you full permission to judge me as you will.

The Hammer of Judgment. BRING IT!

2010-02-08T20:22:00.003-06:00

Avatar… TERRIBLE. Best picture? Really? Any story, or acting, or writing would have been nice…and they WASTED STEPHEN LANG. Yeah – it was pretty. So is Paris Hilton. Screw you Cameron.

The letter X... Cliché. Use of X is just lazy at this point. Do something creative with the letter P or something, and I’ll be slightly more impressed.

This chick… Awesome. Yeah – she’s ten years younger than me. I still want to be her when I grow up.

Estelle Parsons.... Humbling. She is eighty-plus years old. Rocking three brilliant acts of August: Osage County. RESPECT.

This guy... FIERCE.

People who do not know how to merge in traffic….EXHAUSTING. (And by this I mean, anyone who is native to the Midwest, with the exception of a very few)

Bacon Bourbon Caramel Corn…mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Liars…lazy. Come on people – man up. Speak the truth for the good of the order. Are you really THAT MUCH of a chicken?

The iPad…Obviously marketed only by men. The iPad? Really? I’ll be the first to buy one after I run to the Duane Reade and get myself some iPons. And don’t even get me started on the iPhone fart app.

This. Potentially more creativity than we’ve seen in our Nation’s Capital in years.

Happy Snowmageddon 2010!

Monday...JOY...tea and oranges style...

2010-02-07T21:20:00.002-06:00

I just like this. I hope you do too.

Yeah - it's not all YEAH! IT'S MONDAY! BRING IT! Think of it as a nice smooth roll-in to the week...like on a fluffy bed of pillows.

Thoughts you can't post on Facebook: Pulitzer Prizewinner Edition

2010-02-05T08:47:00.003-06:00

I saw August: Osage County last night. I'm really glad Mom died first.

Joy for MONDAY! Get down girl....

2010-02-01T13:37:00.002-06:00

Dance Break!

2010 - What the hell do I know? Well - at least TEN THINGS

2010-01-30T16:08:00.004-06:00

Well – the run up to this would be: The first thing I sort of know is that if you don’t blog for awhile, you eventually hear about it from people in all aspects of your life. Sorry friends! Let’s see how I do this year – shall we? Here – in an illustrious return to the bucket of glitter, and a riff on both old and new themes…kicking off the 2010 blogging season is…

Ten things I know!

1.) The Supreme Court has made a really grievous error in judgment. Guess I should start saving up now to have my vote matter for anything.

2.) Fewer things feel like a job better done than hitting the rare trifecta of a gift that equally delights your 30-something year old best friend and her four year old niece, and also mortifies your boyfriend to the same degree while he is carrying it home from the store.

3.) Spin class is more fun when they play the club mix of Jesus Christ Superstar. If someone ever started a spin class that was the soundtrack to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and we were all allowed to sing, I would go EVERY SINGLE DAY.

4.) Muppets are awesome.

5.) So is cake.

6.) I cannot now, nor ever will, be convinced that a life devoid of creative or humanitarian pursuit is a life worth living.

7.) There are fewer things more annoying in life than the fact that the second your laundry is done, there is more laundry to do. If someone invents flattering disposable clothes, I’m the first person in line.

8.) The first sign that you might not be as awesome as you might think you are is the fact that you consistently tell people how awesome you are.

9.) This band is totally a hipster gimmick, yet all men of any age seem impervious to that. I can’t imagine why…

10.) Apparently, when dating a librarian, it’s a wise idea to return your library books on time. Otherwise, he will take your library card from you and not give it back. Ever.

Monday's a comin' ...choose your own JOY!

2009-08-23T13:59:00.002-05:00

Hello all - as I've been late these past few weeks, here's some joy..early even. Just for you. And options even. Options are fun. And choices make us who we are. Who are you? I'm torn between toe-riffic and Scruffy the space horse, but that's just me. Have a kick ass, super fun, delicious week!

all images, courtesy of foundmagazine.com

Joy for FRIDAY! Damn you Cook County. I will kill your Glee Club.

2009-08-21T09:39:00.002-05:00

I am late. I am NOT GUILTY! I have been stuck on Jury Duty for DAAAAAAAAAYS. I've served. I'm back. This is for you.

I would like to give a special shout out to the ever excellent mfink, for reminding me of this...

Notes from the front: Regarding online dating.

2009-08-10T14:40:00.004-05:00

It is indeed a jungle out there. Online dating is certainly a Jumanji-style crazypants experience. This is the first time I’ve dated-dated in a long while, and it is quite a skill. I’ve misfired on timing, coyness, levels of aggression (says my friend at the office – do you really need an Alpha? You are really Alpha enough for the both of you…), pictures, outfits, drunkenness, location, oversharing, undersharing, paying for things, shoes, volume, and pretty much every other thing. But hey! It’s all about the learning. I figure my dating skills will equal my work skills at some point, and then watch out. These however, are a few of the things I know for certain:

What WILL get you a date with me:

1.) Be smarter than me.
2.) Be able to spell, for the love of God. I know Match.com doesn’t come with spell check and we are all prone to typos (me especially – as I can’t actually type my way out of a bag,) but at least show a decent command of the language.
3.) Care about something, anything…ANYTHING, in a big way.
4.) Have a sense of humor, points if it’s twisty.
5.) Tell me how you are screwed up – I’ll certainly tell you how I am. It’s a big list, and not frankly, always at the tip of my tounge, but it keeps me interesting.

Note - however - if you have facial hair and glasses, and hit at least one of the qualities above, let’s face it - you’re probably getting a date with me anyway. Yup, I’m a sucker.

I don’t know about the other ladies out there, I’m not them, but the following things WILL NOT land you a date with me:

1.) Consistent misuse of the apostrophe in our written “conversations.”
2.) Any username that refers to a professional sports team (dabears1964? Sorry) or astrology (AstroGuru72? Yeah – sorry)
3.) Pictures that glorify your days as a fraternity brother.
4.) You live hundreds of miles away – really? You’re “winking” at me? No.
5.) Making me send you a thousand vaguely chatty emails before anything gets interesting. Sorry – I bore easily online and in life.
6.) Asking me nothing other than what bars I like.
7.) Trying to impress me with the amount of money you make. I don’t value that. Go to Lincoln Park and find yourself a tiny blonde with a Coach bag. She will like your money a whole bunch.

So – at least I’ve got this part figured out.

Joy for Monday! Greetings and Salutations....

2009-08-10T08:54:00.000-05:00

Remember this?

Yeah - let's do it like JD this week.

How very.

JOY! Yeah I'm late. I'm ALWAYS LATE.

2009-08-05T09:21:00.001-05:00

I spent Monday removing an apolalyptic swarm of insects from my Apartment. I spent last night finishing this process. hence - late joy.

But, in honor of the bugs of the week. This is for you.

It won't let me embed it, so you're just gonna have to trust me.

You trust me...don't you?

JOOOOY for Monday...

2009-07-27T08:19:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone. Welcome to the week. I think this is amazing, it is however long and creepy, so if you want something upbeat and jammy, go visit the Angry White Guy here and click on Darth MC Hammer. You will not be dissapointed.

Otherwise - onward! Satan - Disney style...

Ten things I know

2009-07-20T22:24:00.003-05:00

1.) Midwesterners in a group are frequently so surprised to hear anyone speak authoritatively, that simply by saying “excuse me” in the right tone of voice, you can part a sidewalk like the red sea.

2.) There are some very disgusting things that happen at Furry Con. No – I will not elaborate.

3.) A good sharp knife cannot be underrated.

4.) G.I. Jane is a terrible movie, and yet can always be counted on to turn your day around and make you want to kick some ass.

5.) It’s easy to flummox a barista by ordering plain coffee. They never expect it. It makes me giggle.

6.) The only thing to fear is stasis. (Well – that and birds)

7.) I should not be as amused by this website as I am (it’s MAYBE SFW. Caution)

8.) Fried Pickles. Tasty. Who knew?

9.) The Crowded House Woodface album is a rare gem that I had entirely forgotten about.

10.) Some things cannot be unsaid. Language is a weapon, be careful where you point it.

JOY! East coast style...

2009-07-20T09:24:00.002-05:00

Hello all - I'm havin an east coast start to an east coast week...

This is for you.

Let's be careful out there

Ars gratia artis…..?

2009-07-16T20:42:00.007-05:00

So – I was recently in a position to have to EXPLAIN why art was important in a community. My immediate response was…well DUH, and my second was…because art is important because it’s ART. What other reason could a person possibly need?

In that moment and for these purposes that answer did not cut it. At all. And I found myself having to examine and articulate one of the driving ideals of my life. Because a life without art is a life bereft. Period.

Here is what I came to…My why art matters to you even if you don’t think it does manifesto.

____________________________________________________
Art is important to a community because it is crucial for the soul and mind of a person to be nourished and engaged, and it is from engaged people with minds open to growth and change that a community is built. Without creative discourse, challenging thought and common experiences, a full-fledged community never develops, simply people who live in the same geographical area. Art provides us, by its nature, the fertilizer to let a community blossom. It is a social outlet, a political outlet, an emotional outlet. Art can shine the light on the truth before it can be spoken aloud in a literal fashion. A community without art, is not quite a community at all.

____________________________________________________

I once had a well-educated** adult tell me that she “didn’t like culture. ” Now – to each their own, but when she said this I was so stunned that I couldn’t even respond. To run into a person who would admit this without shame, or any sense of the place of art in the universe, it was as if someone had told me the earth WAS actually flat, the idea was so foreign.

I suspect I will have occasion to run into her again. If this comes up – I will give her my little manifesto. And a book.

**"Well-educated" is obviously debatable, given the rest of this, but she had more, and more expensive degrees than I did, from more well-respected schools.

Notes from the front: Regarding online dating...

2009-07-15T12:52:00.005-05:00

Match.com has a "wink" button so that you can faux wink at people to express interest.

I would really like them to add a "Hi - Just go ahead and ask me out for a drink at one of the four following bars (select below) because I will know within one drink whether or not there is any chemistry here" button.

This seems way more fun than making small talk over the interwebs. Everything you need to know to figure out if I'm your flavor is in my profile anyway. Do you REALLY want to chat for two weeks about where I went to college and what growing up in DC is like?

I shall call them and suggest it.

Notes from the front: Dear Colleague...

2009-07-14T12:16:00.002-05:00

1.) It is not a "mute" point. It is a "MOOT" point. You are a native English speaker, please get it together, lest I smack you in the head the next time you say this.

2.) I DO NOT CARE about your azaleas. And I never will.

3.) Your gum. Stop chewing it. Thank you.

On Homemaking. Yeah. I said Homemaking.

2009-07-13T20:42:00.003-05:00

I’m not (nor do I aspire to be) Martha Stewart, nor am I sprung from The Handmaid’s Tale, and I have never mentally lived somewhere that’s green. I have problems putting away shoes, and jackets, and mail so that there is very frequently a shoe/mail/jacket farm in my living room. My house is not pristine, my wine glasses don’t match, and the bulk of my furniture is second hand. I, however, have been called a “consummate hostess” by at least one darling, handsome, Englishman, who most certainly knew what he was talking about. I will use his judgment of me to speak from a position of authority on this topic.

Scores of people have gotten lost in the idea that homemaking involves fancy stainless matching appliances, perfectly clean baseboards as all times, the nicest blankets…the trappings of Pottery Barn and Williams Sonoma and Yankee Candle . It is as if there is an insidious voice permeating through society that tells us…if I only have the perfect candle and the perfect sheets and the perfect baskets in the perfect place, my family will be happy and we will all love each other and my friends will be happy here just like it happens on TV! This is housemaking. The making of a house. Housemaking is great, and sometimes lucrative, if you are a prop designer. Other than that – it doesn’t get you much of anywhere, except into a race where you chase the Jonses and never quite make it, but you might own a lovely collection of $100 baskets.

HOMEMAKING, on the other hand, as the term suggests, is about making a home. When you think “home” do you think – perfect knickknacks? Or do you think of a place, whatever that place is, where you feel safe, welcome, and at ease? Homemaking is about creating the latter, an emotional environment, knickknacks be dammed. When you come to my house** my greatest desire is that you feel comfortable and loved. Yup – loved. You come into my house – and there is love for you. Here are my most important house rules:

1.) Make yourself at home.
2.) It’s okay if you break something.
3.) It’s okay if you spill something.
4.) Nothing in my home is more important than the people in it.

Now of course, there’s a whole world of don’t be an ass, and pick up after yourself, and manners apply, yadda yadda, because that all goes to the whole comfort for all thing. AND – if Yankee Candles are truly what you love, put’em everywhere, go to town (I will probably judge you for this, but you probably wouldn’t have me over anyway)

At the end of the day though, when you are making a home and a life and building a family in whatever way you define it, having the best basket collection will not help you. Mad Men sold our mothers and fathers, and us, the idea, with their designers and food stylists and shiny appliances. A Viking range does not a home make. Might make you a nice pie, though.

**let me not leave out the BFF here :) - it’s our house – but it’s my blog and we’re not chatting before I post this…I expect she agrees with me.

Joy. Absolute.

2009-07-12T23:58:00.003-05:00

I love all of these people. They were all in my apartment this weekend.

If that ain't joy - I don't know what is.

If that doesn't do it for you...this is a cake:

Courtesy of cakewrecks.com

This guy says...

2009-07-08T23:21:00.003-05:00

I'm a winner and so are you!

Notes from the front: Regarding online dating

2009-07-08T11:34:00.004-05:00

1.)I am exhausted of crafting delicately worded emails to strangers. It's like a never ending version of small talk, with additional judgement for poor spelling and punctuation.

2.) I should probably get a city sticker for my car before I go out on a date with a cop.

the JOY is back!

2009-07-06T09:54:00.006-05:00

I like this kid. Hope you do too. Have a kick ass week!

Ten things I know...

2009-07-05T16:05:00.006-05:00

1.) A disney soundtrack is almost always fun and will put you in an exceedingly happy place, but rarely can you admit this in public without mockery.

2.) I would make a terrible vegetarian.

3.) If you ask yourself "What is the bravest decision I can make?," and then make that one, you will rarely lead yourself astray, and your life will thank you for it.

4.) Despite your best intentions, and most noble goals, not everyone appreciates you telling them the truth when they ask you for it. Especially when these people are your parents.

5.) I suspect there is a limit to the amount of things one can own with Jesus and/or the Virgin Mary on it before the Catholic church forcibly takes me back, but I figure if I keep trying hard enough I might get a free trip to Vatican City. (I realize I'm sneaking in an "I suspect", but you'll live. I can't know EVERYTHING. just most things.)

6.) Bananas are all clones of each other - like a disgusting, mooshy space army. One more reason they are evil and loathed.

7.) "Huzzah!" is fun to say out loud in public, but it takes a real, non-ironic, commitment to pull it off.

8.) Most of the time, the person making your life suck is you. Man up and figure it the hell out.

9.) Manipulation should never be used in your personal life, but can be an effective business tactic when properly applied in an unselfish manner.

10.) Green shoes: best.idea.ever.

aaaaaaand...we're back!

2009-07-04T12:05:00.007-05:00

Hey friends - It's been way too long. I had to fix my life, and it seems that I have. What can I say? Somedays you just have to stick it out until your little froggy self realizes the water is boiling, and then you must heal all of the burns. I'm pleased to say that this is now done - until it happens again, which I'm pretty sure it will someday. Ah - life, you are a wacky mistress.

It's an interesting day when you wake up and realize that were you to win the lottery you would change almost nothing about your life (this day was not today, BTW, it was a bit ago...but as always - had to put on the giant, soul sucking, meeting of doom and got waylayed from my return to the blogosphere). I'd travel more, I'd work less, I'd set up scholarships and fund a bunch of art, but in the end - I've got what I want. Which is a minor miracle for those of you that have known me for any significant length of time. For those of you that are strangers, well, you'll just have to wonder...

So! Let's start this our on an up note - shall we? Of course, it's not like I'm all joy and love and ponies...

The Hat of Judgement returns! Here's what I feel like judging today.

1.) Ohio...steeped in evil and full of insipid, overpriced baskets.

2.) Zombies...still fun, if now cliche.

3.) My brother...Spectacular. (and also has a really good arm, which I know from when he threw a rock at my head in our youth...but I digress.)

4.) The mere fact that I managed to get Billy Joel tickets...surprising and AWESOME! (yeah - if you are not jealous - you should be. If he plays Zanzibar I might actually cry)

5.) Fringe...good for all occasions. Although I should probably re-evaluate my stance on this as I landed last minute free tickets to the Fleetwood Mac show this year, and as I threw on my standard goin' out uniform A, it occurred to me that I MIGHT look a bit more like a Stevie Nicks groupie than I was comfortable with...

6.) Alliteration...luscious, lovely, languid.

7.) High Fructose Corn Syrup...worst idea ever.

8.) People that leave their carts in the middle of a skinny aisle, therefore blocking everyone else's way...rude. RUDE. pay attention to your surroundings people - we're all in this together.

9.) Arbor day...why?

10.) Nathan Fillion...averagely talented, but super dreamy. Thanks Joss Whedon!

Joy for Mon...Tuesday! Okay - I owe you one...

2008-11-04T14:10:00.003-06:00

Due to my ridiculous day yesterday - yes there was no joy. But TODAY hopefully it will be the most joy of the past eight years...

So first up! Non electoral joy...

And in honor of Election day... you get THIS TOO!

Lets hope this time tomorrow - we all have the JOY...

eeeeeeeeeeeh - Joy for Monday!

2008-10-27T20:21:00.002-05:00

You've probably see this. But it derserves your attention.

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

Happy Monday! And lets hope that we have a very happy November 5.

TOO MUCH JOY for Monday!

2008-10-20T22:10:00.001-05:00

For you. enjoy :) this is totally the way to start your day right.

Joy for Monday! From a remote location...

2008-10-13T09:17:00.003-05:00

THIS is how much I care. I'm running a meetings, and yet - joy for you! I know. I'm a giver.

Go here. You will enjoy it. I'm TOTALLY in love with this an dthese people. It is totally safe for work. You're gonna have to trust me. Put all of your scary trust issues aside - as if you read this blog at all, I'm confident that you are all broken and twisty on the inside, despite any candy coated verneer you have developed after all of these years. So. Just go there. You wil thank me.

If you are still a TOTAL chicken...here's a picture. Yeah - you can have some joy too, but I'm secretly judging your validity as a person on this side of the interwebs.

from cute overload...

Joy for Monday! It will warm the cockles of your cold cold heart.!

2008-10-05T19:17:00.004-05:00

BABY DEER! Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.

That is all. Enjoy your day.

Chicagoversary!

2008-10-05T18:40:00.003-05:00

So - as of this weekend, Friday to be exact, I have lived in Chicago for three years. Here are the top ten things that I have learned.

1.) If you don't care about baseball -the Chicago Cubs are a pain in the ass.

2.) You cannot spend too much money on a really good pair of shoes, or a really warm coat.

3.) There are places in the world (Chicago) where strangers think that if they touch you, you will be comforted and calmed by it. The people that do this must be tolerated, if secretly loathed and judged.

4.) It is possible to be too polite.

5.) When you don't drive on the highway for a long time, you lose your beltway-drivin' edge.

6.) There is something called a cheese curd. It is nasty and loved by many of the midwestern folk.

7.) There is nothing that cannot be fried.

8.) People that say what they mean, and mean what they say, are terribly underrated.

9.) If people tell you you speak too fast when you live on the east coast - people in the midwest don't have a chance at understanding any word that comes out of your mouth.

10.) The Chicago-style hot dog is a criminal act perpetrated by bored midwesterners with too many condiments on hand.

Now- am I happier than when I lived in DC? I don't know. That's a question for the ages, but I'm certainly having more fun, and I definately love Chicago. So all-in-all - good decision to move. Especially since, now that the cubs blew it, I no longer have to make small talk about the series. Which I consider quite a blessing.

Joy. For. MONDAAAAAAY!

2008-09-29T12:58:00.004-05:00

Hi All - for the three of you that read my blog - wow am I sorry for being such a slacker. I was not okay, and then I was swamped, and then I was tired, and now I'm great and I'm back!

SO! here - for you - are two of the things I love the most (cake and muppets!) combined into one.

Click the photo for more tasty pictures of this blue-ribbon winning (literally!) cake, courtesy of http://www.cakewrecks.com/

The perils of being historically notable...

2008-07-31T09:21:00.003-05:00

Dear God. Please never let me be important enough that this would ever happen my undergarments. Thank you for not making me Queen of England. And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE have Santa bring me a pony.

Amen.

PS - I want one of these too!

LONDON (AP) - Her majesty would not be amused. A pair of Queen Victoria's bloomers, with a 50-inch waist, were snapped up for $9,000 by a Canadian buyer at a central England auction Wednesday.

Auctioneer Charles Hanson said Queen Victoria's underpants belonged to "a very big lady of quite small stature with a very wide girth." She was said to be 5 feet tall.

The handmade knickers -- which date back to the 1890s -- bear the monogram -- VR -- for Victoria Regina. They are open-crotch style, with separate legs joined by a drawstring at the waist, a popular style in the late Victorian era.

The royal drawers belonged to a family in western England whose ancestor was a lady-in-waiting for the queen.

"These pants, considering their provenance and pedigree, are very exciting," Hanson said. "They are monogrammed and crested and we know that they are hers."

Also up for auction was Queen Victoria's chemise, with a 66-inch bust, sold for $8,000. Her nightgown sold for $11,000.

Joy!

2008-07-15T12:15:00.003-05:00

baaaaa.

If I was prone to falling in love with people from you tube...

2008-07-10T09:08:00.003-05:00

I would totally marry this guy.

I'm back!

2008-07-08T13:56:00.003-05:00

Shrimp '08 has concluded. I survived it! I hope you survived your week as well.

Here's a list of stuff I do to recover from my Annual Meeting upon my return:

1.) Nap.

2.) Drink.

3.) Buy shoes.

4.) Nap Drunk.

5.) Nap.

6.) Watch Law & Order

7.) Drink and watch Law & Order.

8.) Buy more shoes.

9.) Nap.

10.) Make sure cat is not dead.

Welcome to the rest of my summer. Joy shall return for Monday.

JOY! Beans!

2008-06-16T08:11:00.003-05:00

So - the Tony awards were last night (!!) and in honor of that - I bring you this. One of my faves.

Enjoy your Monday. I'm hoping that I survive mine.

While we're at it. Let's give it up for Bernadette Peters. shall we? clap clap clap clap.

Bring the hate! Part something or other because I lost count.

2008-06-14T14:27:00.005-05:00

Hi Friends - it's that time of year again. The annual meeting palooza - or as I'm calling it these days - shrimp '08. Make of that what you will.

In honor of the hate in my soul - I bring you...

Ten things that I hate! The east coast version.

1.) Longaberger Baskets.

2.) Yankee Candles.

3.) Applique Sweatshirts.

4.) Brighton Jewelry.

5.) The mall.

6.) Freight.

7.) Cheese Curds.

9.) People that don't know how to merge in traffic.

10.) Chicago style hotdogs.

Bonus eleventh and twelfth items of hate!

11.) This.

12.) Here.

A wise man once said...

2008-06-08T11:18:00.004-05:00

Even if you have won the hot dog eating contest, you have still lost.

Apparently there is at least a bit of wisdom in Texas.

Look ma! I'm an artist.

2008-06-06T16:39:00.004-05:00

So. I made art at work in a meeting today.

I wonder what this is telling me.

Best. Marketing. Ever.

2008-06-04T12:47:00.005-05:00

From advertising is good for you

JOOOOOOOOOOY for Monday. Yeah baby!

2008-06-02T12:22:00.003-05:00

Feelin' superstitious?

Three weeks and counting until my annual meeting is here. Four weeks until it's over. Please note that all joy will be posted ironically until then.

Thanks.

The management.

Jokey McJokerson rides again!

2008-05-30T17:16:00.003-05:00

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Cause she was a WOMAN.

heh. I should be horribly offended by this joke. Oddly - I'm not. But I doubt that's surprising.

Last night I had the strangest dream...

2008-05-30T16:59:00.007-05:00

In my dream I was committed to an insane asylum that looked like a regular Hampton Inny sort of place. I didn't know it was an asylum until I started paying REEEEEEALY close attention and noticed that, while most of the people seemed okay, they all had little signs like "I eat canned human flesh" and such things randomly scrawled on their body - a'la the infamous Dixie Chicks Entertainment Weekly cover. I started to wise up when realized that I didn't know how long I had been there. I escaped, Jason Bourne style, surreptitiously jumping gates and then running down the side of the road (in a fluffy skirt - I can't explain THAT part at all - but it was a super cute skirt)I hitched a ride in an eighteen wheeler with the asylum people chasing me. Eventually - I made it back to town where I FINALLY found someone I knew, who informed me that I'd been I'd been gone for 6 months and everyone thought I was a bitch for just running off.

SO - just for the good of the order - if I ever entirely disappear, I have been committed against my will. Please come find me.

Happy Friday!

Yes - but can you tie a clove hitch?

2008-05-30T16:59:00.006-05:00

Old-timey dancin...this time with rope tricks!

JOY!

2008-05-18T22:55:00.004-05:00

Holla for the JOY! My greatest apologies that it's been so long...

Let's get the ball rolling with a little Easter Parade...shall we?

Whos says never say "can't" ?

2008-04-04T21:55:00.005-05:00

(or Kant - but that's a whole other post)

Words I can’t spell:
1.) Definitely
2.) Opportunities
3.) Hors D'oeuvres
4.) Yogurt
5.) Hieronymus

Places I can’t locate on a map:
1.) Nebraska
2.) Wyoming
3.) New Zealand
4.) The country formerly known as Chad
5.) Kentucky

Things I can’t care about:
1.) Perfectly organized files
2.) Flying Squirrels
3.) Jenna Jameson (Although I did go to college with this guy (LINK SO NSFW) so at least there is a porn star somewhere I can care about.
4.) Probiotics
5.) Nebraska

People I can’t like
1.) Bjork
2.) Vincent D’Onofrio
3.) The nasty flaming bartender at my favorite bar. Sad that.
4.) George Bush
5.) This guy:

Joy! bunnies!

2008-04-01T21:28:00.002-05:00

for you...

For those of you that care - I apologize for being late. I had a meeting - it ate my soul - you know the drill. I'm back now, I like you, and here's some joy! see how I give?

Joy!

2008-03-23T20:20:00.002-05:00

I think this is exquisite....

Five things I know about that you should know about...

2008-03-21T20:29:00.010-05:00

Good morning sir - may I offer you some JOY?

2008-03-17T10:05:00.003-05:00

Hello everybody - welcome to the week. I hope you come out the winner.

This is for you...

The vengeful return of Jokey McJokerson...

2008-03-11T12:32:00.002-05:00

Two blonds were walking through the woods when they came across some tracks. The first blond said "Look, deer tracks!" while the second blond insisted, "No those are bear tracks." They argued. Then the train hit them.

If the cat were in charge of my blog...

2008-03-10T18:51:00.002-05:00

...it would look like this

Apparently some guy wrote a magical program out of ones and zeros to turn your blog all cat like...

Bizarre.

(Kudos to pelki for the link. Thanks friend!)

JOY Yeah - I TOLD you I was back.

2008-03-10T07:00:00.003-05:00

So I have aboslutley nothing to say about this - other than I hope to God that this is her real hair. Happy new week.

So I've got that going for me...which is nice.

2008-03-09T17:27:00.004-05:00

So - it's no secret to anyone that I've been a bit up and down of late, mired in some world where Bridget Jones, Eyore, and Samuel Beckett had an orgy that birthed my brain. This particular brain has been wreaking havoc on my life.

During a great bout of said havoc-wreaking the other day my friend happened to call and as we chatted she asked me if I was really that upset. I attempted to flatly reply...

"yeah"

I tried to explain why - a nearly impossible feat - and it doesn't bear here so I'm not going to repeat it.
In response she told me a story...

Many years ago we were all playing with one of those questions books, this one was "Would you rather?" The question at hand,

"Would you rather gain the ability to leave excellent voicemail messages or have the elevator come more quickly by pushing the buttons rapidly, multiple times?"

I had said: "Well I already leave AWESOME voicemail messages so I've gotta go elevator."

She apparently now thinks of me whenever trying to get the elevator to come faster.

I have no recollection of this moment - but it's nice to know I trust that I have at least one thing under control.

I'm sure you do too. Something is bound to break you eventually - you can always fall back on your personal equivalent of excellent voicemail messages. It's a good thing to have in your pocket.

Double Whammy JOY! Yeah baby - we're back

2008-03-02T20:28:00.006-06:00

(thanks to Grammarpants McCoy)
Hi all. Sorry for the no joy last week. I apparently had to run a big meeting and have an existential crisis. Meeting is over. Existential crisis - under control(ish). Welcome to JOY!
And as a special dedication to our friends across the pond. Thanks for checking in. This one is for you.

I just can't help myself...

2008-02-19T21:53:00.003-06:00

You know - somedays you are just feeling east coast and BIG HAIR.

Good morning to you.

Hmmm - How about ...Things that are COLD

2008-02-19T21:30:00.001-06:00

First off - let's go with ME - I'm a cold and evil woman for not posting JOY.

Monday was President's day. I was busy celebrating because no matter what happens, George Bush will not be president next year.
Or I was taking a nap.
Or I was learning how to raise glittery unicorns.
Or I was busy recovering from the abject embarrassment of having one manhattan too many the night before and for the first time ever - totally losing my balance and FALLING into a nice man that I was flirting with. (For the grammarpants among you - the nice man with whom I was flirting)
Or I was in astronaut training.

I'll let you guess which of the above is true, and which is a lie.

That said - It's zero degrees in Chicago! Let's talk about stuff that's cold...shall we?

1.) Girls in middle school (U-G-L-Y you ain't got no ALIBI you're UGLY, oh my god your UGLY)

2.) A nice manhattan

3.) The tiny bottom of Rosemary's baby(cute but eeeeeeevil)

4.) Gold. If you change a letter.

5.) Iceman (the Val Kilmer version - not the one that cometh)

6.) The Dairy Queen Dipcone!

7.) My cute little tootsies in the FREAKING COLD WEATHER.

8.) Catholicism

9.) Bill O'Reilly (well- he's just an asshole - but I'm considering that cold. Not like Tim Russert - who is a warm fuzzy teddybear and I heart him)

10.) CHICAGO. Ow.

OOOh - Beethoven off!

2008-02-12T20:38:00.001-06:00

So - Inspired by this little video from by Chert(impossible to spell)k over at Nobody's Friend, I thought that I would bring you this...

JOY for Tuesday? Perhaps....
Cartoon love for the week at hand? Maybe...
Musical theatre making a mockery out of something revered? Possibly...

Eye of the beholder...blah blah blah.

Enjoy!

JOY!

2008-02-12T13:05:00.002-06:00

For you and your sweetheart.

It's Sunday. Ow.

2008-02-10T18:31:00.001-06:00

Hello All! I had at least two inspiring and thoughtful ideas on which to write today. I however forgot that at 34 years old, my body doesn't take too kindly to drinking until 3:30am. SO - At some point this week, I will have something possibly interesting (or not - you be the judge - judging is fun!) to say. Hell - feel free to send in requests or questions that you would like an answer to. Perhaps I will take the time to address your needs and wants. Maybe not. Isn't the suspense killing you?

Today - nothing of depth is coming from me. Here is a list of ten things, of no depth whatsoever, that I would say to you if you were in my apartment RIGHT NOW.

1.) Would you like some water?

2.) Yes - it in fact IS 95 degrees in here, even though it is 0 degrees outside.

3.) This is my cat. I am no longer in charge and I apologize in advance for the awesomeness of her belligerence.

4.) Why, I'd be DELIGHTED to let you do my laundry - thank you so much.

5.) You look great! And smell vaguely of debauchery!

6.) Would you like some jerky?

7.) Dinner is in the dinner cooking machine. (I actually just said this. Should give you some sense as to where my head is.)

8.) Hey! Have you tried the Belief-o-matic? You totally should! I'm a neo-pagan, according to this. Pretty dead on. More dead on is my incompatibility with Catholicism. Good thing I gave it up for lent in 1990)

9.) Are you sure that I can't offer you anything?

10.) Yes - that is a copy of the autobiography of Lee Iacocca. No - it is not mine.

Whatever you do - don't go here

2008-02-03T09:54:00.001-06:00

Flight of the Hamsters

yowza...

2008-01-30T07:15:00.001-06:00

When I left for work at 6:00am this morning the windchill was 26 degrees below zero.

Here's a hedgehog and a squirrel.

Joy for Tuesday? Yeah - I suck.

2008-01-29T08:54:00.002-06:00

SO - I went home this weekend. It ate my soul as usual. So - I jacked up your Monday by giving you no joy. Sorry. You're an adult. I suspect that you will live.

Anyway - now that it's TUESDAY I'm sure it's a weee bit less joyous, but here's some Dresden Dolls. I hope you like it.

Have a nice day. Or not. It's really up to you. But I'll respect your decision either way.

Joy...for TUESDAY!

2008-01-22T22:24:00.001-06:00

Why? Just because I can. Have a nice day. And a cup of coffee. And maybe a little nip'o the whiskey. But you should probably wait a few hours on that last one.

Soon - I may write something actual again - but for the moment I'll rely on You Tube! Thanks interwebs.

Joy for Monday - because I can't be more creative than that.

2008-01-21T12:55:00.001-06:00

So I quit smoking. again. Yay for me. Boo for my sanity. I'm a twitchy ass mess and am apparently allergic to nicotine patches. It's making me a little cranky and I can't focus to find you a picture or video of joy of any type... Here's a list of stuff that brings ME joy. Perhaps some of these things bring you joy as well - and then we can have a special joy moment over what we have in common. I just simply can't find an appropriate picture of a fluffy chicken or whatnot today.

1.)Acoustic Guitar

2.)Spinach

3.)Road Trips!

4.)Yellow cupcakes with chocolate icing and rainbow sprinkles.

5.)Leather

6.)Cashmere

7.)Brand new handsoap

8.)Things that are sturdy

9.)Riggers

10.)Jazz Clarinet.

Happy Joy to YOU!

Zip! Zap! JOY!

2008-01-13T23:58:00.001-06:00

Marlon says good morning.

I say greetings from the pacific northwest. I'm on the road - but see how I still care about your joy?

Oh!

2008-01-08T22:20:00.001-06:00

It's all so much clearer to me now.

JOY!

2008-01-07T09:17:00.002-06:00

Here's a bunny. Have a nice day.

This is the FINAL JOY of 2007

2007-12-31T12:54:00.001-06:00

Here is some joy. It is random and multi tiered. I seem to have blinded myself by falling asleep in my contacts last night - to that end, please forgive me flagrant typos and grammatical errors - any more than usual at least.

Joy Part 1!
Go here. Watch this. I can't embed it, because I'm a needy incompetent woman.
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/zeropunctuation/2716-Zero-Punctuation-Guitar-Hero-III (thanks Pelki!)

Joy Part 2!

Feel free to mock me. That said - it's the BFFs Uncle Billy's Birthday today. he likes this too - so I feel like I'm DOUBLE allowed to qualify this as joy.

Joy Part 3!
Did I mention that today is the last day of 2007? I don't know about you but I am DONE with this year. I believe that 2007 kicked my ass. I am intending to take my ass kicking vengeance out on 2008.

Joy Part 4! (OH MY LORD THERE IS SO MUCH JOY!!)
Panda Cam!

Joy Part 5! The final frontier

Most of the time I write about myself on this blog, and I appreciate that you read it. As we depart 2007, here is a list of things that I am proud of, grateful for, happy about for this year that are all about you!

1.) There was a new baby! (cutest baby EVER! but I'm biased)Love you guys.

2.) Somebody I adore graduated from nursing school in true rockstar fashion and looked fabulous the whole time. Thank you. For everything - you are stellar and inspiring.

3.) Someone I know used a hazer and approximately two lighting instruments left over from 1972 to do a simply stunning show. See!

Nicely done sir. Thanks for the armwarmers :) You are remarkable.

4.) The work ladies. You know who you are. You all saved me this year. In more ways than I can articulate. Thanks to each and every one of you for being interesting, smart, kind, supportive, patient with me, and lovely as all hell. Both with my personal life, and with that beast we call work.

5.) This guy. You are awesome and I am proud of you.

6.) My DC friends, you also know who you are. Simply, thanks.

7.) This lady - who in unfailingly encouraging, supportive and fun, and whose happiness brings me great joy.

8.) Pelki and the man. Thanks for showing up and being snarky.

9.) Nougat. Who came through in the clutch on a really hard day. Thanks.

10.) A fabulous friend of mine got to quit her job and go on tour! I like you! Lobsters!

11.) This lady. Isn't she pretty?

12.) That lady's man - thanks for carrying my luggage upstairs when I needed it most.

13.) Vacation, the time to take it, and a good friend to take it with.

14.) Lewis at Perfect Laundry - who can always get me out of a jam.

I'm sure that there are more, but I'm stopping here but for this last one - thank YOU! yeah you. For checking in here every one in awhile, reading things, and occasionally having something to say. A very happy new year to you and yours.

Things I will never be naieve enough do again....

2007-12-27T13:20:00.002-06:00

1.) Trust any alcoholic beverage that is a color that doesn't occur in nature.

2.) Take Communion

3.) Eat Oysters

4.) Fly with a layover when there is any other option.

5.) Give the kitten a dip in sulfuric solution while wearing short sleeves. Or anything less than kevlar.

Ow.

In Egg Shell Seas Day-o

2007-12-25T00:36:00.001-06:00

I will take this moment to post a magical vegas photo and wish you all a very merry Christmas! A lovely holiday, of your choosing, to you and yours.

Wait - did you miss some JOY?!?

2007-12-19T08:03:00.001-06:00

Yeah. I'm late. Sorry. you'll live. Merry impending holiday!

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

2007-12-13T21:36:00.001-06:00

We did personality testing at work the other week. Typically - I enjoy such exercises, and am rarely surprised by the results (for you Meyers-Briggs fans out there I'm an ENTJ - I believe that personality type boils down to, soulless, but can deliver.)

Last time out we did something different - DiSC Training, which stands for Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Conscientiousness.

I share with you now - my DiSC profile.
________________________________________
I have the "Inspirational Pattern"

Emotions: Accepts aggression, downplays need for affection.

Goal: Control of their environment or audience.

Judges others by: Projection of personal strength, character, and social power.

Influences others by: Charm, direction, intimidation, use of rewards.

Value to the organization: Acts as a "people mover," initiates, demands, compliments, disciplines.

Overuses: Attitude that "the ends justify the means."

Under Pressure: Becomes manipulative, quarrelsome, belligerent.

Fears: Weak behavior, loss of social status.

Would increase effectiveness through: Genuine sensitivity, willingness to help others to succeed in their own personal development.
______________________________________

I'm not going to get into the rest of the description now - it's three paragraphs long and is probably more than you want to know about me. Highlights include"astute at identifying and manipulating an individual's existing motives in order to direct that person's behavior toward a predetermined end" and "people often feel a conflicting sensation by feeling drawn to Inspirational people and yet being curiously distanced"

Granted - this is how your personality is at the office - not at home or in personal relationships where it can change** but I believe what I learned most from this excercise is that I missed my calling as a cult leader.

**those of you that know me personally - you have my permission to roll your eyes knowingly at this post. That said, I'm pretty sure I'm not as evil yet tasty at home as they say I am at work. If so - sorry if you feel curiously distanced from me :) - perhaps this explains my enduring singleness.

Need a lovely gift for those special people in your life?

2007-12-12T16:54:00.002-06:00

Just for the hell of it

2007-12-10T20:20:00.001-06:00

Olly olly oxen JOY!!!

2007-12-10T09:32:00.001-06:00

Happy Monday. This is for you.

SPOON!

Lunchtime. Rambling. Tuesday.

2007-12-04T12:52:00.001-06:00

So - I'm eating my lunch with a baby spoon today as our office does not keep utensils around and it was the only thing I can find. Sadly - chili does not lend itself to ladylike behavior when eaten with fingers.

It occurs to me that the maraschino cherry - a slightly hot topic of late - would fit quite well in a baby spoon...and in a manhattan...but I digress.

We started putting the tree up last night and it made me think of my mother who had great affection for all disgusting food products of the 70's.

To that end I bring you...

Horrifying "foods" and "beverages" of the 70's that are qualified as excellent by my befuddled parents.
Hey Brotherman - feel free to play along!

1.) Deviled Ham

2.) Port Wine Cheese Spread

3.) Raw Cauliflower (okay - probably not just 70's related, but I can't shake the association)

4.) Vienna Sausages

5.) Canned Asparagus (see "Raw Cauliflower")

6.) The Harvey Wallbanger

7.) Blue Nun

8.) Gherkins/ Pistachio Flavored Instant Pudding (tie)

9.) Rumaki

10.) Creme de Menthe

I can't that the universe for much, but I can thank it for making me a halfway decent cook given the history here. I've got that going for me, which is nice.

hey...look there in the sky...it's some JOY!

2007-12-02T17:09:00.001-06:00

I think we should move easily into our joyous weeks. So - I'm gonna start you off nice and mellow. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm thrilled to welcome back to the stage, Mr. Martin Sexton!

If you're not feelin' Marty...
Well - here's a picture of a lady in a whole bunch of hat.

Yikes.

Feel some joy that that's not on YOUR head.

Ten more things I know....

2007-11-27T22:01:00.000-06:00

1.) Many things can be improved with the addition of a maraschino cherry.

2.) If you want to express displeasure to/at someone while giving them no actual insult to report and therefore letting you dissappear with the last word while they are left inarticulate and stunned, saying "Jesus loves you" in just the right tone of voice does very nicely.

3.) It would be great fun if the fortunes in fortune cookies exploded into a hail of fire after you read them.

4.) Some men ARE in fact brave enough to show up outside the window to my apartment at 2:00am on a school night. (this particular gentelman was unlucky enough to have me go all Tennessee Willaims on his ass from my third floor three flat window, but I digress...)

5.) If you put a hot turkey in a beer cooler for an hour, it will be piping hot when you remove it. Who knew? Thanksgiving is saved!

6.) It is in fact possible to successfully sport a cocktail dress and chain mail at a five-star hotel.

7.) "The Muppets Greatest Hits" on your ipod is always a crowd pleaser. Especially when it's on shuffle.

8.) Legwarmers are awesome.

9.) There is a special kind of irony in going out for a 30 minute run and screwing up your back badly enough that you spend the whole next day on the couch eating tiny slices of leftover birthday cake.

10.) There is great joy in cooking something for the first time and having it proclaimed "equally as good as my grandma's" by a friend. thanks boo!

Mudballs are FUN!

2007-11-27T10:22:00.001-06:00

It's mud. And art. Super cool.

oh JOY...for Monday that is....

2007-11-26T09:38:00.001-06:00

Welcome to your week. This is for you.

and THIS is for you...

and lastly...this is for you too! See how I give :)

The joy is back! I know - I'm a slacker

2007-11-21T08:38:00.001-06:00

Hi Everyone! Sorry there has been no joy. First I went to Vegas, then I had to spend a week catching up (read - in a conversation with myself about unpacking and what the maximum acheivable level of hungover could be), then I got all busy - but now I'm BACK!

first up - here's some joy...

This is my new kitten. YAY! I rescued her from children who were trying to light her on fire. My karma is now back in check. Her name is Grendel aka The Great and Powerful Fennel...

Next up - here are some things that I learned in Las Vegas:

1.) Bourbon, stilettos, and cobblestone are a wicked combination requiring focus and ankle strength.

2.) The following thing does exist: a lesbian with too much frosted pink eyeshadow.

3.) It's worth paying the extra money for homemade salami (Thank you Mario Batali)

4.) You can, in fact, lose a chunk of money on penny slots.

5.) Tony Danza is still getting work, this time in The Producers. God save us.

6.) Apparently, the bulk of Americans think it is okay to go into the world in mis-matched sweats while on vacation. (no wonder everyone hates us)

7.) A tiny eclair with breakfast = joy!

I've only got seven today - but - keep your eye on this space and magical pictures will appear.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Excuse me sir - would you care for some JOY?

2007-11-04T09:53:00.001-06:00

I'm going to Vegas this week. For fun. and not for work. (!!!)

In honor of that - this is for you. (and yes - I know that this was actually shot in Hawaii - give me a break on that part...thanks)

Yeah..theoretically it's sexist but...

2007-11-03T22:40:00.002-05:00

I suspect that if I lived in a time that supported dressing like a pinup girl every day...I probably would. Dear god I love those shoes.

Ten things I love...a Broadway themed extravaganza. Let the mocking commence!

2007-11-02T22:04:00.002-05:00

1.) Vintage Barbara Streisand

2.) Mandy Patinkin (His name is Inigo Montoya, you killed his father, prepare to die.)

3.) Les Miz

4.) Cherry Jones (you know who she is - you just don't know it)

5.) Into the Woods

6.) Sweeney Todd

7.) Jerry Orbach (Law and Order my ass)

8.) Funny Girl

9.) Jesus Christ Superstar

10.) Kevin Kline (Yeah - Kevin Kline. I'm not even going to humor you with a link here)

10.5) The first 5 minutes of 42nd Street

There's a bunch more, and I'm sure a few others that should be on this list - Urinetown? Avenue Q? Spring Awakening? And we won't even discuss my failure to see August: Osage County...

I am a bright and glorious ray of sunshine…

2007-11-02T16:10:00.001-05:00

So – sorry to be all absent and non-posty. Big little meeting is all done with a minimum level of trauma and maximum level of exhaustion. Highlights included dinner at a barn and pumpkins full of candy as far as the eye could see. I believe the staff was in sugar coma for much of the meeting.

We’re taking bets on when I might get it together enough to haul my suitcase out of my trunk and up three flights of stairs. Anyone that had less than three days after the meeting has placed a losing bet. Sorry friends. Apparently I CAN go a week without wearing slacks to work.

I’m back now and certainly will have more deep thoughts to share, including the following.

Groundhog day:
Aka - Why life in the adult world sometimes requires a pile of blankets, a pint of ice cream, a bottle of wine, and a cat. Sadly – I still have no cat.

I am in the enviable position of knowing some amazing and spectacular people who I am blessed to call my friends. I was in the unenviable position last week of having to gently (hopefully) request that one of these remarkable souls give me some space so that I could recover from some, shall we say, distracting feelings of depth.

Apparently I was unclear on the “space” factor here, and in one of those rare moments that adulthood affords you to both feel terrible AND SIMULTANEOUSLY inflict pain on others, I had to have a second-go-round of this conversation. Details aside, my timing on the first version wasn’t great, simply because it had to happen, and my timing on part deux was horrid - cosmic events coinciding to actually act as a fulcrum for the leverage of crappiness. YAY! I think my soul may have died a little bit this month.

So – I’m sure this isn’t very interesting for you, but it brings me back to a business idea from my late 20s…consider it patented.

I am of the opinion that every city needs the following establishment for those of us folk who are basically flying solo through the universe. When there is nowhere to go for the comforts of home or when the comforts of home never quite existed in the first place.

It’s a hotel (of course) somewhere within driving distance and preferably both in the woods and on the water.

You call a number (this is only the actual action that must be taken on your part).

The hotel comes to pick you up in a nice sedan where you can sleep in the back, then they check you in and give you flannel pajamas, fuzzy slippers, a tooth brush, the whole nine yards. You hand them your calendar and they get you out of whatever it is you have somehow committed yourself to be doing. Do you need to pack anything? Nope! You just call and they come get you. When you get there, your room consists of a giant couch, a fluffy bed, a big tv, and is all sort of old and rumply with a whole bunch of blankets. From room service you can order crappy magazines, pets, bottles of whatever, pints of ice cream, yoga teachers, gallons of diet coke, music, playdough, books… you get the idea. Every day is mandatory nap time from 2:00pm-4:00pm. Dinner is served every night at 8:00pm at the big table, where no one is cranky with you for being not so talky. Then after three days, or when you are theoretically able to see the light at the end of your tunnel again, they drive you home.

And they have cleaned your apartment while you are gone.

And preferably done your laundry.

I think this establishment would be a great service to society, and should in fact be covered by health insurance.

If I figure out how to make it happen, you will be the first to know. In the meantime, I’ve got some laundry to do.

I suspect I will be wearing my suspenders of funny again in the near future, so just keep an eye on the space. I promise you, if nothing else, Joy for Monday…

Preemptive joy strike!

2007-10-23T20:38:00.000-05:00

I'm heading to a meeting - won't be around over the weekend. SO - this is for you - joy in advance. Watch it now - or save it 'till next week. the call is yours.

Now - I have more lunch to order.

Be well. I'll be back soon...